Issue 51
   
12 March 2007
Scotland 18  Ireland 19

The most disappointing statistic about this match is that the starting Irish backs in this game averaged more than 60 caps each.

This shows the true mind set of O'Stunted who has single mindedly destroyed a golden opportunity in Irish rugby.

This Ireland may be able to raise themselves for a big match now and then, but such is the lack of experimentation and player rotation that journeyman teams such as Scotland can now contain them quite comfortably.

Ireland were very lucky to come away with anything from this match and yet another opportunity for player development in this World Cup year has been lost.

Anyone that thinks the Triple Crown is progress is deluding themselves. Apart from the one game, where the English forwards rolled over to have their tummy's rubbed, this Ireland side have shown very little.

Don't be surprised if Italy turn us over next week.

O'Stunted capped a poor personal performance (he singularly failed to make any impact on the match) when he accused an unnamed Scottish player of choking his love child O'Gara. The fact that it was three Ireland players on top of O'Gara when he turned blue means that O'Stunted should be issuing his apology in the next day or so. Surely O'Stunted couldn't have been trying to divert attention from Ireland's lethargic performance. (And they say he didn't learn anything on the Lions tour!)

Rory had a quieter game, but both he and his brother, Simon, did a lot of the thankless work round the pitch and both should keep their places for Italy. Neil Best didn't get much of a chance but he surely has to be a better option than Easterby if Ireland are wanting to attack rather than contain.

Future Ulster player Dewey looked a bit ropey in defence and will need to smarten up this part of his game if he's going to be a Ravenhill favourite.

INTISTA Predictions League Week 26

Ardmhic continues to claw back the points, scoring twice as many as Kimble. Hound and Grumpy continue to falter.

This weeks star player is our very own Dewi who decided to get a bit of help this week from FRU Chairman Justin Fitzpatrick.

I have it on good authority that they were also planning the FRU's First Annual Awards dinner - more details over the next few weeks.

THE GROUSEBEATERS IN JOCKLAND
The GB’s second annual outing in support of the national team of the island of Ireland took place last Saturday. The tractor arrived early at the Stena terminal and proudly took it’s place in the high-vehicle queue for the HSS. We ignored the sniggers from the Stena staff and trundled on board at the appointed time, having checked that our 4th member was indeed the famous Ballpark.

It was going to be a rush to make the match on time, and, as we had decided to do the Stranraer to Embra leg non-stop, we headed to the restaurant for a hearty breakfast (Ulster Fry of course). Scrumstretcher, whose picky eating habits are the stuff of legend, headed to the bar for a breakfast of several pints. Eventually we joined him and by disembarkation time, we were already pashed (except for me as I was driving)

At Stranraer we headed eastwards for an uneventful journey to “Auld Reekie”. I desperately tried to attract the attention of the speed cameras, but I don’t think our maximum speed even registered on them.

BP started to read from some book about Irish rugby – Scrums and Booms pretended to fall asleep and I turned Daniel O’Donnell up full blast on the 8 track. BP took the hint and shut up. At least we were now certain it really was BP.

Scrumstretcher “woke up” in time to overrule Boom’s excellent navigational ability and direct us on the road away from Murrayfield. It was only a 40 mile detour but it meant the Stadium car park was full by the time we turned up. Undeterred, we parked in a nearby street, cleverly choosing to leave the tractor beside a rubbish skip. We assumed any sensible vehicle thieves would pinch the skip instead of our tractor.

The game was awful, Ireland was awful, Scotland was awfuller. At least the ref knew when time was up. But something very odd happened near the end. Ballpark rose from his seat, and with an evil smile on his face, said he had something important to do. To our amazement he headed down the tiers of seating, sneaked past the stewards and leapt Brennan-style over the perimeter fence. We stood open-mouthed as he ran on to the pitch to join in the final ruck. Luckily for him the injury to ROG distracted everyone, and he made it safely back into the Stand.

“I’ve done it…I’ve just gone and done it!” he yelled joyously. “I’ve done the wee bugger!”

We have no idea what he was on about, but , after all, it was BP.

Returned to our vehicle – both it and the skip were still there – and set off back to Stranraer. We came alongside a minibus and Scrumstretcher spotted a pretty girl at the window. Excitedly he mouthed words of love to her, promising his undying fidelity. He thought she was gorgeous.

“For feck’s sake, she’s only a schoolgirl “ said Booms “Remember what you promised the judge.”

Anyway it didn’t matter as the girl made her feelings very clear. Never have I heard such language from an eight year old.

On the HSS home, we noticed two of the bar staff were having a bitchy row. We joined in enthusiastically by taking sides. This only caused further trouble – one girl turned bright red and did a runner, the other yelled at everybody, but particularly us, that the bar was shut so feck off.

As soon as the boat parked, we obediently fecked off.

Sicko and Thicko
A criminal psychopath and his stupid puppet.

Letters to the Editor.

 

Dear Ed,

With all the excitement of the Scotland v Ireland weekend in my place of residence at the weekend I stupidly forgot to send in my predictions. As an esteemed member of the honest and forthright 'Hounds Of Ulster' I'm sure you will believe me when I tell you that I fell into a short 'Ronanesque' coma after consuming one too many wine gums on Friday night in Edinburgh. This obviously meant that I missed all of the 6 Nations matches and am therefore able to submit my predictions at this late stage.

Ireland, Italy and England all to win. After sending this letter I will check the results to see how I have done!

Thanks in advance.

WOLF
Ed - Sure thing Wolfie. Do you have any magic beans I can buy as well?

 

Who has the Largest Head in Ulster Rugby?
Back by popular demand. (Sorry Neil!)

Several players asked us at the Dragons match what had happened about the series of articles on "Who has the Largest head in Ulster Rugby?"

You may remember that our original series of photos in Issue 39 proved conclusively that Neil's head was bigger than Bryan's, however is it bigger than Justy's?

We finally caught up with Justy at the Dragons match and after several weeks work the FRU Digital Technicians, using the comparative standard of Chief Fruette, have once again proved, beyond doubt, that Neil's head is considerably bigger than Justy's even allowing for Justy's ears which you can see are completely hidden by Neil's massive noggin in Figure 3.

 
       
   
       
   




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