85 Jan 2007

Helping to distinguish the wood from the trees:
SCOOP COVERS THE COVER THAT “STAND UP” COVERED UP
By our undercover reporter Agent Orange

Following the recent publication of the latest issue of STAND UP, SCOOP has been concerned that the cover photograph was not actually genuine, but may have been digitally altered. SCOOP’s suspicions were raised when we discovered that no one we spoke to had actually seen a Belfast sink being thrown at the players at a rugby match?

In a daring operation, codenamed “Jools”, SCOOP sent its reporters under cover to investigate the cover-up. Posing as ordinary Ulster supporters, we managed to get close to the infamous 2bu crew, and draw one of the daft galoots into conversation via postings in a secret location known only as “The Darkside”. Having gained his confidence we managed to unearth the shocking truth of the matter including the depth of feeling opposed to their banners, flegs and inane shouting. We can also exclusively reveal the actual photo that should have adorned the front cover of the URSC newsletter.

Far from all the recent allegations having been made by opposition players, coaches and fans, they are part of an orchestrated plan by the Ulster Branch themselves in an attempt to get rid of this unruly “mob” who had the audacity to suggest that David Humphreys had once put in a "below par" kick and generally made a nuisance of themselves on the terrace. Such is the depth of feeling we have discovered that several of those close to the Branch took matters into their own hands and assaulted the 2bu crew, but so as not to bring the Branch into disrepute, they entered into a pact with the Devil ….. URSC who contrived to hide the evidence and replace it with the picture published.

This is what was on the cover and what should have been on it!

55 Jan 2007

Blues & Royals run scared of Whites.
Filed for SCOOP by our Cavalry correspondent, Jock E. Club

Following earlier reports that Prince Harry would soon be going to Iraq to fight for Prime Minister Bush, there are now alarming reports that the government is now going into full retreat on this one.

Speaking on behalf of the M.O.D., General Mayhem said “We have carried out a full military appraisal of the risks that the prince will face. We are aware that there is a significant threat from Iraqi extremists, and we can even cope with “friendly fire” from our US allies, but after reports that a man was seen in Basra wearing an Ulster Rugby top, the Top Brass consider this to be one risk too far.

Basra boy scouts out looking to recruit any carrot-tops who have recently come to the country.

49 Jan 2007

Racial Abuse.

It was 18:45 and the young programme sellers were shrill as they drummed up business. The beer tent seemed busy enough but otherwise the ground seemed strangely quiet. Perhaps the early kick off had caught many unaware. As I strolled over towards the terrace I was again struck by how few were in the ground. Surely the “Choke in Croke” or the Llanelli “Beat us in the sleet” ….had not persuaded the loyal fans of Ulster to stay at home? No. We are stronger folks than that in Ulster. When the going gets tough over here the tough really do get going. And soon enough the crowd swelled. I stopped off at the “25” to speak to my old friend, Shukes, and young Kirsty. “What’s on the banner tonight?” was the cry, as I passed by. It is strange, this. I spend three hours painting a new banner, my wife thinks I’m barmy, and yet at this moment it seems so important.

Presently I climb the yellow stairs to my usual spot to join my friends beneath the gantry, where I am met with complaint. “Not another banner”, and “what does this one say”, and “I hope you’re not going to block my view again”, etc.

I will not tire you with an account of the game – you know it well enough. But I will dwell upon an incident that at first irked me, and has now upset me very, very much.

The half was dying. A promising Ulster opening had given way to indifference, then to dogged Dragons resistance, then to a serious Welsh threat. Ulster pressed, the Dragons attempted a long line kick from outside their 22, erred, the promenade jeered, the touch judge called them back and the terrace, eyes only for the far touch line, broke into voice. “Dodgy, dodgy kicker!” Four times the mantra echoed.

It was then that Aled Brew scowled over. Few seemed to notice. It was my friend Johnnie who pointed it out. Aled seemed upset about something and spoke to the touch judge. I doubt if anyone really gave it a second thought.

Little did we know.

Shortly into the second half things took on a surreal air. My son tapped me on the arm and pointed to a black suited official complete with walkie talkie. As I looked down I was astonished to find myself under surveillance. The man in black stared directly at me and spoke into his radio. The crowd around me grew restless. We hoisted the oul’ banner and were greeted with a stony faced stare. We sang, “Who are you”, and detected a hint of a smile, before he turned to face the stand, radio still pressed closely to his ear. Then, as he turned to go, an old favourite rang out across the terrace. “Cheerio, cheerio, cheerio!”

On reflection I realised that for three full minutes we had stopped watching the game, our attention diverted to the overt security on the line.

The evening wore on, we scrapped home and the crowd dispersed. But not all. On the halfway line, back underneath the mikes and cameras, a group of Ulster fans remained, their banner furled and their flags limp at their sides. “What was that all about”? None of us had any idea. Eventually I went home too.

But by Saturday evening everything had changed. I logged on to the UAFC Message Board, curious to know if Henry had posted his photos of said banner. But what is this? Ulster fans in Race Row. My immediate reaction is someone is having a wind up. But it was not. Get real! Who? Where? When? And then the awful truth dawned. It must be us. The man in black. I was stunned. I was sick. I sat in disbelief. Then I reflected and then I wrote this true account.

I was there, I sang, (badly), I chanted, I laughed. I flew that stupid big banner, I complained, sometimes about the ref, but mostly about my beloved Ulster. I did not abuse anyone. Neither did anyone around me. We never have, and we most certainly never will.

Next day I bought my least favourite sports paper, the Sunday Times. I read the front page.

The mobile rang – it was the News Letter. My friend Richard has passed on my number. Do I have a comment? Do I have a comment!

tok

45 Jan 2007

Valentine Smiles.

Yes, it’s that time of year again, well, almost, when the Chinese celebrate Chinese New Year and everyone else doesn’t. It is hard to believe that the Year of Dog is almost over and in just under four days it will be the Year of the Pig, or Boar or Ding Hai.

So, on the cusp of yet another Pig Dog of a year we at Scoop are delighted to bring you the Norn Iron equivalent of Hong Kong Fooey.

Yes, it’s that time again when the great and the good, the crude, the rude and the downright pathetic bare their souls and tell the world how they really feel about their cyber soul mates. Love is in the air, Cupid has chartered a Hot Air Balloon, The White Knights are up for some Dragon slaying and it’s open season on all things French. And what about those rude, party pooping Froggies? Line the onion sellers up against the Maginot Line and give them one last Gauloises, we say.

So, without further a do, we bring you a load of tosh from Scoop’s Valentine’s Day Mail Bag.

To Trevor Brennan, from the French Police
Trev, Trev, the milkman’s son,
threw six punches and away did run!
You sell crap beer,
but you need not fear,
for we won’t see you in court
for many a year!

From the UPSTANDING people of Ulster to Monsieur Brennan
You behaved like a barbarian,
and you’ve cut us to the core.
For we’re certainly not sectarian
and no one said your mums a slut.

From Craftynick to a glass of cheap French plonk
Oh cheap red wine, you have the knack,
your touch makes me all a quiver,
sending shock waves through my guts,
and onwards towards my liver.

To Trevor Brennan, from Patrick Bamford
I was in your bar and drank your beer,
even though it looked and smelt quite queer,
But just because I don’t like your pub
that’s no excuse to re-arrange my gub!

From the 2BU to Mike Reid
The crew have many members
including Linda Ferris;
so why not do the decent thing
and stick a roof upon the terrace?

To the URSC Chairman from an anonymous chick
The thought of you
makes me feel quite randy.
Has anyone told you,
You’re the Ultimate “eye candy”?

To Tommy Bowe, from Eddie O’Sub-no-one
I love you in red, I love you in white,
when you fly down the park,
you are quite a sight!
You’re clearly a winner
from all that I’ve seen
but don’t get your hopes up
of playing in green.

To Jamesie, from all the Ulster fans everywhere
We snap you here, we snap you there,
We snap you every-bloody-where
And now we hear you on RTE
Seeking even more pub-li-city!

To RTE, from the Raving Hill Mob
R is for Rubbish, and that’s being polite
the word we prefer sounds very like “white”
T is for truth! But you clearly don’t care
as you broadcast that slander all over the air.
But E is for Erin, our Emerald Isle
and our friends throughout Ireland
who are incensed by your bile.
And as for our Paddy,
he’ll swear on the Bible
that much of your broadcast
was nothing but libel!

To Matt McCullough, from the poker school
A deck of cards, a royal flush!
The Queen of Hearts may make you blush.
But keep your smiles for Ulster’s maids
and never play the Ace of Spades.

To Kimble, from Dulux
We hear you like to paint smart prose
on large white sheets you hoist on poles;
but it is said that when it rains
your message runs and your shirt stains.
So may we suggest,
to use what’s best?
“Buy Dulux Gloss and save your clothes!”

To Andrew Trimble, from Gordon Darcy
They love your legs, they love your style
They say you can run for many a mile
But I don’t care much for your class –
it won’t be me who makes the first pass!

To YM, from all his fans
There was a Youngman who had style
and wherever he went he would smile.
Although what about,
there was always some doubt.
Is it ‘cos he’s worth quite a pile?

To the INTIWSTA Predictors, from Kimble
To all who’ve joined the predictions race
and jostle hard for second place,
I hope you don’t mind while I pause to stare,
‘cos you all look so small away down there.

To Cap’n Grumpy, from the great unwashed
All God’s creatures got a place in your choir,
some sing low and some sing higher,
and some just sound completely dire;
While others clap their hands.

44 Jan 2007

Rugby player’s Drug Test Leads to Further Investigations
Filed for Scoop by our Medical correspondents, Sir Jekyll Appliance & Sir Gerry Pending

Following the Ireland v France match on Sunday, SCOOP has learned that one of the Irish substitutes was selected for “routine” drugs testing in accordance with standard practice. SCOOP has further learned that this test was not as routine as was first suggested, but was at the request of the opposition after some French players complained that “un de leurs joueurs n'était pas humain” after he did some clearing out to win a turnover shortly after coming on to the pitch.

SCOOP can exclusively reveal that the sample showed nothing sinister in the way of illegal drug-taking, but at the insistence of the testers, an X-ray was taken and this merits further investigation.

SCOOP may or may not keep you abreast of further developments. We will of course preserve the player’s right to anonymity.

39 Jan 2007

Referee(s) show(s) consistency in applying the laws.

This report was brought to you by Grand Slam Productions, a wholly owned subsidiary of SCOOP International.

33 Jan 2007

Ministers in Waiting, Eoin O’Paisley and Mhártain MacOengusa Stand Up For The Ulstermen in Next

Season’s Away Strip.

Ulster Rugby have today revealed their design for next seasons away strip.

Said Ulster Supremo, Mickey O’Reid, “Following the dust up over the bust up in Toulouse we are considering a whole new approach to away matches. The management are most anxious to shed this sectarian image that hangs like an orange cloud over Raving Hill.”

It may have been the worst kept secret around the club that Canterbury have been given the bums rush but we at Scoop were still very surprised to witness at first hand the startling new concept being developed for next season.

Gone are the black shoulder strips and red edging, gone too the famous Ulster Rugby logo, for next season Ulster’s favourite sons will run out at the likes of Musgrave Park looking more Irish than a shamrock.

And in an even more startling demonstration of solidarity, two of Ulster’s foremost protagonists agreed to model Ulster proposed new away strip. Changed times, changed times indeed, but is clear both men have a lot on their minds.

31 Jan 2007

It has been a bleak few weeks for Ulster Rugby. Certainly the wheels started to come off in Reading and the chant on the terrace should be more like:

“One wheel on my wagon, but I’m still rolling along, the ERC after me, but I’m singing a cheerful song.”

In yet another exclusive Scoop can reveal what really happened against London Irish. Said Mucker McCall, “I accept I have to shoulder some of the blame. I told the lads to go out and bury Irish – I just did not realise that Matt would take it literally and go looking for a couple of spades.”

Asked about the team’s poor showing last weekend against the Ospreys, McCall admitted the lads failed to match their potential. “The problem with us at the moment is there is only one F’n Ferris, and with out Besty and Co that really showed.”

However it’s not all doom and gloom over at Raving Hill. Following hard on the heals of the Toulouse Incident and the unjustified criticism of the greatest rugby fans in the world by the conniving gutter English and Irish Press, Ulster supremo, Mike Reid, today confirmed that there will be an increased security presence on the terrace and prom for the rest of the season.

“This is not a knee jerk re-action to recent events,” he claimed. “We have been working on this concept for a long time now. It has been a long and lonely road for rugby in NI over the past thirty years and I am very pleased to say we now have cross community support for this initiative. It would be a complete disaster for us if players and officials from the visiting team thought they could just leap the hoardings at any time and lay into our fans.”

Reid added that even Sinn Fein have signed up to his new deal. “Why, Mr Adams popped in for a cup of char just yesterday to offer his support for our stance on discipline on and off the field,” he said.

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If you want to gather with like minded citizens, meet famous people and shout abuse at them, then why not stand for election to the Northern Ireland Assembly. But hurry, places will be limited.

On the other hand we understand there is still room at Raving Hill on the 16th Feb for the Dragons game, when you can join in congregational singing in both Ulster Scats and Gaelic, (of the Welsh variety). Tickets are on sale on the web and at the ground. So why not Stand Up for the Ulstermen at this, their time of greatest need? Go on, your Wee Province need you!

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Scoop would like to take this opportunity to publicly thank all those from Leinster, Munster and London Irish who have said nice things about the Ulster Rugby Fans. We think you are really nice too and we can’t wait ‘til you visit Raving Hill again when we will buy you lots of drink and hopefully give your team a good kickin’.

29 Jan 2007

TB or not TB, that is the question.

Alarm has broken out in Dublin 4 as the recent outbreak of TB threatens the quiet, select, tree lined avenues of Donkeybrook. Apparently the virulent infection was passed on by a lovely Leinster lass who, in an attempt to soothe the high temperature currently raging amongst many Ulster fans, was herself struck down by the affliction.

Said the lady in question, “I only wanted to let the Protestant Boys know that they did not walk alone. I suggested writing a nice letter in joined up hand writing, to tell them how I and some of my friends were feeling about the whole thing. I can tell you I am feeling a lot worse now. I may even have to up sticks and move house to the Malone Road.”

A spokesperson for the DHSS has asked rugby fans everywhere to refrain from supporting rugby, gathering in large groups, and singing or chanting. Indeed, so virulent is the strain that fans are advised to even avoid watching rugby on television.

A spokesman for the DUP said “Never!” before adding, “Chanting is practised by the established churches but is in fact unbiblical. Our party would never condone such behaviour, let alone other such worldly pastimes such as line dancing or beer drinking.”

It is alleged that the outbreak can be traced to the South of France, however things apparently got a lot worse when Tom, an uninformed, self righteous Pharisee from the Gruaniad started Fanning the flames of discontent.

Scoop can now report that support is now flowing in from all over the British and Irish Isles for the beleaguered lads from Raving Hill. Self help groups are springing up in Cork, Dublin, and London. Indeed Her Majesty’s Representative in Ireland, the Governor General of the Lost Six Counties, the Right Honourable Peter Hain MP, was seen standing up for the Ulstermen in Swansea at the weekend. Said a spokesman for the NIO, “Mr Hain may have been standing up but this was simply to let a member of the Ulster Branch make his way to the bar for another free drink. In no way does he support anything to do with Ulster.”

Asked what the Ministerial stance was on the alleged breakdown of law and order at a recent rugby match involving people from Belfast, the spokesman said, “Our position on policing is quite clear – it is up to the locally elected politicians to get together and sort out the mess that the Brits have made in Ireland!”

Scoop understands that some progress is now being made in a number of these matters.

This Scoop exclusive is brought to you by our Political Correspondent, Willy March in association with our syndicate sports reporter in Toulouse, Ed de Ball.

27 Jan 2007

You can ban our banners but you cannot beat our seats!

Scoop, renowned for always being somewhere behind the eight ball, (eventually), is delighted to offer three seats for Croke Park for the Ireland England Rugby International.

To win these seats all you need do is to complete the following phrase in not more than thirty words.

I like standing with the Second Barrier Crew at Raving Hill because………….

Answers must be received by midnight on Friday, 2nd February. Bribes and other blandishments welcome. Cheques should be crossed and made payable to Scoop Travel.

Scoop Travel is an operating division of Lost Horizons. It is a not for profit organisation – all income is invested at the Beer Tent and all liquidity dispersed shortly after the final whistle.

23 Jan 2007

TB – NOT FOR HUMAN “CONSUMPTION”!
Filed for SCOOP by our correspondent at the World Health Organisation (WHO), R.U.Trevor

The World Health Organisation (WHO) today issued a stark reminder that “consumption” the scourge of previous centuries has not gone away, you know. Previously those most at risk were those of poorer socio-economic groupings living in crowded housing, but it has recently been discovered that a particularly nasty mutant form of TB has evolved which threatens the health and well being of all groupings including those who engage in otherwise healthy lifestyles. An example of this was demonstrated only recently when one young man was unexpectedly and violently struck down whilst watching a sporting event.

The public has been warned to avoid poor quality beverages from down-market drinking establishments in which it is suspected the mutant TB thrives. Further they should keep up their guard against this sinister threat to life and should check their immune status. For those who have been previously immunised against TB, the Heaf test or six needles used to be the method of choice. This basically challenged the TB and after needling six times, a response or lack of was recorded. The new strain of TB however has been shown to react to less needle, and it is now common for a single challenge to be used. This is known in this country as the “MAN TEST WHO ARE YOU? but is shortened in France (where the mutant was recently identified), to the MANTOUX test.

Symptoms to watch out for include sudden and violent headaches, bleeding from skin lesions and possible loss of teeth. Prompt dousing of the causative agent with alcohol may or may not be effective, but patients and carers might at least feel they have attempted something to help. Hospital treatment will almost certainly be required, followed by a long recuperative period.

3 Jan 2007

Leopard changes his spots.
By our “Irish” Relations correspondent, Pussy Catt

UR will shortly be unveiling their latest signing, but SCOOP can now exclusively reveal the latest recruit to pull on the white shirt with the Red Hand. In an attempt to have cover in EVERY position on the park, we are pleased to announce competition for Sparky by the imminent arrival of LEO from Leinster.

Speaking exclusively to SCOOP after signing, Leo revealed that it was the chance to support a real rugby team and not a bunch of moaners and whingers that prompted him to leave Leinster. “The thought of watching BO’D and D’Arce gurnin’ in the ref’s ear, telling him his job, every game became too much to bear. I knew that life would be much more bearable with someone like Sparky for company.” Leo then went on to add “When I first went to Dublin, I lost all (my) pride, but I thought with a home like Donkey Brook, even a single lion on its own could make a killing! – How wrong I was”

UR remain tight lipped on the matter, but it is thought that the defining moment in the negotiations came about when Leo revealed that he would sign for free if he was permitted to join the legendary second barrier crew. The cap’n graciously acceded to this request and Leo will now live on a diet of bootleg ale supplemented with an occasional Quorn sausage or two.

2 Jan 2007.

The Twat in the Hat Goes to Dublin.

It was the last day of the year and, as a treat, the Twat in the Hat went to Dublin with his special friends. They all went on a big yellow bus and got a seat with a big table. They had a picnic on the bus and that helped them on their journey. When they arrived in Dublin the Twat in the Hat said he was thirsty and he wanted a drink. So the friends went to look for a shop that sold black lemonade. Do you know of any shops that sell black lemonade children? They found one but it was closed. It rained hard that day but so desperate was the Twat in the Hat for a drink that they stood outside in the pouring rain and waited for the shop to open. There were plenty of other people in bright white shirts, even some in blue shirts, waiting for the shop to open too. The Twat in the Hat didn’t bring a coat and he got very wet. When the shop opened the Twat in the Hat, his friends and everyone else, went inside for some lemonade. It was so refreshing they had to have some more. After a while the Twat in the Hat wondered where everyone was going. The Twat in the Hat and his friends followed the crowds and eventually arrived at a big stadium. The stadium had an enormous tent that normally sold black lemonade but it was closed. The three friends had a lunch of rip off hot dogs and chips instead but the Twat in the Hat was still thirsty and somebody showed where he could buy some more black lemonade. The Twat in the Hat was really beginning to enjoy himself. He met plenty of old friends and had lots of black lemonade. After a while everyone started to climb the big steps that were in the stadium. The Twat in the Hat and his friends soon followed but were soon out of breath after climbing forever. Eventually they found somewhere to sit and watched a game of rugby that was taking place between a team of white and a team of blue. Which team do you support children? The Twat in the Hat supports the white team. He was still thirsty but luckily he had brought a bottle of French red grape juice from the Bordeaux region, which he opened and promptly consumed. With all the lemonade and grape juice he had taken, his plumbing soon came under pressure and he had to go to the loo. Every time he went to the loo the team in blue scored. The team in blue scored a lot that day. After the game was over the Twat in the Hat was still thirsty so he and his friends went back to the shop to get even more lemonade. In the shop, a rather pretty American lady, who was taken with the hat the Twat was wearing, accosted the Twat in the Hat. He thought she was trying to steal his hat and told her to feck aff! After this episode the Twat in the Hat’s friends thought it was time to go home so they went and got the big yellow bus home. It was a great day out but the Twat in the Hat is suffering from black lemonade induced memory loss and can’t remember anything. Do you know what black lemonade induced memory loss is children? The Twat in the Hat does!