13th September 2007

More from Monday’s edition of The Monde, the biggest circulating Franglais newspaper.

Mustafa Shagge - Pimp Ma Camel

Mustafa Shagge, un imigré de Morroc, was pulled by le fuzz during une raid sur his premises en Dimanche nuit. Il was taken au Station de Fuzz a Bordeaux pour questionlement pour quatre heures then lateur releasement sous caution. “Je penser that les Pays de Galles men were coming pour le rugby et perhaps un change de scenery would be bon pour them” il dit. “Mon camels est tres attractive et offer plus affection que le mouton. Instead les Irelandais arrivez et les prefrerré le bier to une bonne hump. Mon business est finis, Je suis  ruined,” il quote prior d’il appearance avant le beak dans le matin.

Monsieur Shagge avec son camels Fifi et Marriette.
Statistique provided by URSC (Ulsteur Rugby Statistique de Cables)
Les camels sont maintenent recouvering dans le vets.

Regardez vous soon.

Phillipé Floppé
Votre reporteur crime de serieusement

12th September 2007

From Monday’s edition of The Monde, the biggest circulating Franglais newspaper
Chaud off le presse!

Incident Internationalle Avertement

Aujour’dui un Irelande rugby supporteur was involved dans un argument avec le president of the Deuxieme Barriere Equipe de la French Supporteur Club de Rugby. Le disagreement was around un heated parlez regardement le cockerel as le nationale emblem de La France. Monsieur Smee, Second Barrier Crew Cultural Attaché, et Monsieur Serge Blanket, exchangement heated words regarding le significance of le cockerel dans Francais societé. Eventualment Monsieur Smee told Monsieur Blanket ou to shove le cockerel. Avec Monsieur Blanket, being un formeur numero huit internationale et maintenant back row cover, et Monsieur Smee, being un arse de shortment, les roles were plus vitte reversez avec Monsieur Smee coming off le worse pour wear.

Monsieur Smee, quand asked pour une quote, statelement “it was une grosse misunderstandement mais it has cleared up mon dandruff.” Monsieur Blanket comment “Mon dieu! Il parle une load de ballon!” Le cockerel et maintenent recouvering dans le vets.

Dans un related incident at Charles De Gaule Airport ce soir, un autre Irelande rugby supporteur was preventement from entering La Belle France. C’est individual claiment that il was un cockerel aussi amid les chants de “Rooster, Rooster!” from a lui amis. Lez fuzz sont deportéz him dans le matin. Qui ever heard of un Cockerel-verte anyway?

Regardez vous soon.

Phillipé Floppé
Votre Rugby Coupe du Monde reporteur.

A recent study carried out by the URSsC (University of Ravenhill Social Studies Class) has revealed that an alarming number of men suffer severe personality disorders upon retirement.

The study revealed that with so much time on their hands 62% of recently retired men take up a new hobby and for as many as 57% this hobby will become obsessive. Of the 100 men in the study group 34% encountered marital difficulties as their obsession put a great strain on their partners.

Hobbies such as stamp collecting, bird watching, web surfing and eBay international marketing have been observed with 1% of the study group being obsessed with rugby statistics. This phenomenon, known as URSC (unusual rugby statistical conundrum) affects a very small percentage of the male population as revealed in the study, but it’s effects can be devastating to those with whom they live.

Our study subject spent 65% of his waking time researching rugby stats, 15% posting meaningless statistics on a rugby related web site, 5% attending rugby matches and 20% of his time shouting at the TV, the milkman, the post man and any others who called at the house. This affliction has put such a strain on his marriage that his wife spends 46% of her time chasing him out of the house and into the garden shed and 59% worrying if the postman and milkman will deliver the mail and milk. 48% of the time they don’t. In fact this poor woman has been forced by the council to erect warning signs to alert callers to the house of the danger posed by her obsessive husband.

Areas for further research at URSsC include: -
"Why 105% of correspondents reporting on research can’t add”
"Why 23% of statistics are made up” and
"Why 67% of statistics are made up”.

4th September 2007

New Banner, Same Old Ban

Calling all members of the Second Barrier Crew

Following the disgraceful scenes of last Friday evening, when Grumps went head to head with a Security Jobsworth over a wee bit of cloth, the Second Barrier Crew will henceforth be adopting a more conciliatory approach to what is more commonly known in professional sporting circles as, “Supporting Your Team”.

We recognise that waving painted bed sheets at the players can be distractive. How else do you explain the sudden collapse in form last Spring? It certainly distracts those behind us. Why, Mrs Ferris now has to resort to Bebo to find out how ‘One F in Ferris’ played. And we reckon it probably distracts the match officials as well. And we certainly don’t want to become the first victims of Ulster Rugby’s latest drive for political correctness.

So, we have commissioned a new banner. This banner has been woven from the finest and most expensive cloth known to mankind (and womankind). Indeed, so fine is this cloth, and so delicate its workmanship, only the most discerning, knowledgeable rugby aficionados will be able to see it. This banner will be invisible to the uneducated masses. It cannot be detected by Event Sec staff, cameras (either analogue or digital), referees, linesmen, Jim Neilly, Setanta commentators, Raker McClean, Ghost Busters or the Fat Boys Union. Unfortunately, we suspect that it will also be invisible to most of the prawn sandwich brigade as well.

So, you see, we will be able to wave our banner with impunity.

We have also commissioned a whole new range of Ulster Rugby flegs. These wee, camera friendly, flegs will be distributed to “The Ulster Fleg Team” (TUFT), before the match. Junior members will of course be known as Tufties, so they will be able to rush home after the game, (looking to the left and right and left again) and tell their Mammies and Daddies (if they have one), that they are all fully paid up members of the Tufty Club.

At this very moment Grumps is slaving away in the fleg sweat shop, with cloth and poles and pots of glue.

So do come along next Saturday to the Terrace on Raving Hill, to wave your wee fleg and help the Second Barrier Crew hoist their brand new invisible banner!

This official communiqué is signed by:

The original kimble
Flegmeister

24th August 2007

Fans stand on way to grandstand.

Scoop wishes to apologise to both it’s readers for the delay in recent publications. This is due to circumstances almost entirely beyond our control, – the presses over at the Fat Boys Forum had rusted up in all the wet summer weather and we were busy weeding.
However, at last, Scoop is pleased, nay delighted, to bring you this month’s Scoop of the Day, direct to a computer screen near you.
Following a tip off from Translink, we sent our roving reporter, Ed de Ball, off to York Street to witness the arrival of their latest addition to their Inter City fleet.

Said an SIB spokesman at the unveiling, “With this latest purchase we are confident that Translink can overcome the final obstacle to the development of the new International Rugby Stadium at the Maze, namely the difficult issue of how to transport Ulster Rugby’s huge fan base to the ground in time for kick off.”

He added, “The Bogland Express will travel non stop between the two principal cities in Norn Iron, Belfast and Lisburn. On match nights it will continue on to the Maze Interchange, where spectators can disembark and can take a leisurely stroll through the, through the….well you know….all that stuff that the private sector is going to build there, once we have paid them huge grants to do so.”

The Bogland Express arrives at the planned site of the Maze Interchange

We tried contacting The Fat Controller for a comment but no one was available at Raving Hill to answer the phone. Well, nothing new there!

This Scoop exclusive replaces our planned investigation into the Ireland – Italy International Ticket Allocation Scam. (Well, we have got our tickets now, so why bother rocking the boat?)