24 May

Hospitals Across Edinburgh on the Alert this Weekend.
Filed for Scoop by Luke I.N. Good, our Ulster Rugby correspondent.

SCOOP has learned that all leave for A&E staff in Edinburgh hospitals has been cancelled for this weekend after a “Choking Alert” was issued by the Department of Health acting on advice from the SRFU

Doctors have been warned to watch out for an influx of people from Dublin who are particularly susceptible to choking. These people are visiting the city to play rugby, and have a past history of the medical condition (also known as Deefour Syndrome).`

Whilst affected patients can lead an otherwise ordinary lifestyle, it is now known that certain stimuli can bring on a sudden bout of choking. Advice to parents has been modified to include these vulnerable adults and residents of Edinburgh have been asked to lock away ANYTHING which might increase the possibility of an accident to their visitors.

Posters have also been widely distributed with a heavy emphasis on the Murrayfield area.

18 May

Shergar discovered as URSC prepare for barbecue???
Filed for SCOOP by Jock E. Club

With allegations that some members of the URSC are flogging a dead horse, Scoop has unearthed evidence that the committee has indeed bought one for the end of season barbecue

In order to get to the truth of the matter, we attempted to speak to one outspoken member, but when questioned, all he would say was “I ask the questions – and if you answer them, I’ll ask different ones until you’re bored, and then we’ll see what it is you’ve got to hide. Okay?"

– I said “Okay?”

“Oh – Okay!”

“What do you mean by okay… Oi, come back and answer my questions!”

With that, our intrepid reporter went off in search of someone in the know. Where better to find out the answers than straight from the horse’s mouth? Unfortunately it kept repeating the one phrase over and over, and refused to discuss Harlequins or Civil Service.

The next port of call was with the Chairman’s running mate, but all we got from him was “Neigh ….. comment” – but then he-haw, he-haw, he-haways says that!

Finally we managed to run down the Chairman down himself and got the following words of wisdom, "There will be burgers, bangers and salads for those who bought tickets. Just hand your ticket to the BBQ master and get tore in!
Despite the Wednesday deadline, tickets will be available at the door - we would never turn away any fan of Ulster!
Gate crashers will be served that old horse we keep flogging!"

So, it’s true folks – Shergar is alive and kicking within the URSC (well dead actually, but still kicking!)

12 May

Lessons from history - a terrifying tale!!!

As some of you SCOOP readers may know Boomshanka, one of the Grousebeaters most thoughtful members has been known to offer aspiring and not so inspiring Ulster rugby players career advice which has occasionally terminated or at least stalled their careers. An up and coming Ulster star’s career was stalled in obscurity for a year after Booms had offered him an insight into where it had all gone wrong. The star has only this week returned to the fold. Indeed Rory Lamont ‘s career is in such jeopardy after Booms spoke briefly with him in Glasgow that it is being monitored 24/7 for signs of deterioration. Thus the following tale, ahead of Friday’s important game with the Borders should be made public to you the SCOOP reader.

Picture this...
It is a beautiful spring morning at Ravers earlier this week, the birds are singing, the gentle hum of traffic from the Cregagh resonates in the background as does the fan whirling lazily in Mike's office. Booms has just purchased his ticket for Friday night's game.

He decides to take a walk along the Promenade whilst he's there, to suck in the airy atmosphere of an empty Grandstand, Terrace and of course the Prom upon which he strolls. He notices one of Ulster's aspiring no.10's taking kicking practice on the pitch and as he passes, pleasantries about the weather are exchanged, but doggedly Booms refuses to discuss the aspirant's rugby career and continues his walk.

Turning towards the Grandstand he looks up, closes his eyes and suddenly the roar of the crowd is there, the Ulstermen and a few weemin are standing up, flegs are waving, strange faces emerge from the SCOOP with drinks and the fluorescent’s glare at him. Opening his eyes again Ravenhill returns to its current state of sunny morning, birds singing, Mikes fan whirring, the Cregagh traffic continues resonating sonorously in the distance.........

Returning down the Prom to the car park with his ticket, Booms notices the aspirant 10 is lining up a kick at the posts, he stops and turns to the Grandstand and puts his fingers to his lips. Everything goes silent except for a few birds twittering in the background. The kick is taken and is utterly fluffed. The aspirant no.10 turns and glares at the lone figure of Booms who walks past unhurried to his car.

An hour later the phone rings in my city centre office.
"*Beechey, it’s xxxxx, can you see me NOW!"
"My appointments for the chair are fully booked up to August I'm afraid," I reply.
"I need help NOW!, please, I beseech you Beechey!!"
"Why what happened?"
"I was practising my kicks for Friday night at Ravenhill this morning and this bloke walked passed…………….."
"Oh no," I replied, "I'll see you right away xxxxx, where are you I'll bring the chair?"

It remains to be seen, will Ulster empty the bench on Friday night or not? What if Humph gets injured???

*Beechey Park, shrink to the stars. Beechey, bringing his chair to a couch near you. You know how he likes to lie on the job!!

If you wish to contact Beechey, try 09990 811 811 and if you get an unrecognised number you can always contact Beechey by writing here to SCOOP. You know his spiritual guidance is gospel, his mind an empty reservoir begging to be filled with your latest irrational musings. Ask him a question, he can only answer even, those two single words beginning with f and o will empower you to go on and reach for the stars where Beechey really resides.

9 May

NEW ORDER AT NEWFORGE?

With the allegations of “undue influence” still ringing in the ears of the second barrier crew, SCOOP sent a reporter to find out if these ruffians would bow to the pressure of a small but vocal minority, or would they press on in press-ganging Justin Harrison into taking the Cap’n’s shilling.

Meeting a representative of the Supporters’ Club outside Newforge, our reporter asked the all important question and received the following statement “The second barrier crew has got nothing to do with this presentation. The URSC award will be made, that is all.”

Afterwards we managed to track down the Cap’n who stated, “these allegations are completely without foundation, but it shows the depth of our sensitivity & concern that because of them, we are having to turn away potential members who foist themselves upon us. Why, only a short time ago I had big Justin on his knees pleading with me to join, but I had to look up at him and say, “sorry – I know you came all the way from Australia for this, but you’ll just have to pay …… come to us at a different venue to stop the moaners and whiners from saying we took advantage of you.”

What the Cap’n did admit was that the fan who came along to present the award on behalf of the Supporters’ Club DID foist himself on the Cap’n and DID manage to be inducted into the crew. The Cap’n was heard to say, “Sure no-one’ll be interested in him.”

This one’s got “Daft Galoot” written all over him!

We managed to track down this wily young Red Hand supporter and he admitted he didn’t know who or what the award was about – he thought he’d just given a paperweight to Matt McCullough, and that he’d really only joined the URSC as a way of getting close to the second barrier crew! (With such deviousness and ignorance in equal measure he could possibly be a future contender for kimble’s Chair).

Later we spoke to Isaac Boss who informed us that big Justin was inconsolable. He went on to say that it had been a promise of joining the crew that had prompted both of them to sign for Ulster in the first place. We were also able to learn from him that there are photos of them both in 2BU merchandise (towards bottom of page) to prove this, and they were promised their real shirts when they arrived.

8 May

NEWFORGE FORGES NEW LINKS
Allegations abound around undue influence of the second barrier crew.

Following on from our revelations that the second barrier crew holds undue influence over certain elements of the local press, Scoop can now reveal that these Comanches also hold sway over the Celtic League and it’s television partners.

While everyone else was enjoying the party in the park at Ravers on Friday night prior to the bedtime rugby (everyone except the Grand Inquisitor who took the opportunity to watch the Munster Mash from a nearby curry house), the 2BU crew requisitioned Newforge to prepare for future signings. Scoop can reveal that the late kick-off was specifically arranged to allow the Cap’n to ensure that all was ready for Wednesday’s PotM presentation, (with the assistance of Kevin Maggs and Shane Stewart - supplied courtesy of U.R.). On this occasion, however, we have learned that it was the players who turned the tables on the captain (or so he would have them believe). Having been unable to take “centre” stage in the team, they went one better as they foisted themselves upon the Cap’n, and were inducted into membership of the 2BU crew.

Said Shane Stewart “My days at Ravers are numbered, and this seemed to be my last chance of membership to the crew – at least I can leave here knowing that I have reached the pinnacle of European rugby (and possibly the world)”

Maggsy was quoted as saying “I’m just glad to have crashed the party now – I’m not sure when my turn will come around to be Player of the Month. I suppose it depends on who sends the biggest cheque to Grumps, and who they want for their money”

The Cap’n was later asked for an interview, but he was unavailable as he was doing a television appearance.

5 May.

Second Barrier Crew Snaps Back!

Well, did you go up to town to cheer on your favourite Message Board Heroes on the first of May? And did you see the Belfast Newsletter’s full page article the following Wednesday regaling the heroic feats performed by The FRU/Scoop team while blitzing the Marathon. That the Second Barrier Crew could exert so much influence over the National Press has clearly got the critics in a tizzy. But worse is likely to follow, as Scoop has learnt that almost the whole of the Ulster squad has now signed an exclusive merchandising deal with the Second Barrier Crew. This publicity seeking bunch are also rumoured to have seized control of the Player of the Month, PoTM, and Player of the Year, PoTY, and are publicly using the publicity to publicise themselves publicly in the hope of getting rich quick.
So, in true Scoop style we set off to establish the truth!

First our intrepid reporter sped off on his tricycle in the direction of Raving Hill. Rumour had it that none other than Mike Reid, CEO of Ulster Rugby, had given the Barrier Boys his blessing. Surely not, thought our man with the quill, but, having secured an appointment, as he said in his own words at the time: “On entering the boardroom I was met by a most impressive site – none other than the Big Man himself, proudly bedecked in his very own 2BU shirt.”
“I am a big fan of the crew,” said Mike between mouthfuls of homemade chocolate cake. “They represent all that is good about the Ulster fans. Unlike the prawn sandwich brigade these guys stand up for the Ulstermen all the time – even at half time.” Mike then explained, “It has long been an ambition of mine to be inducted into membership. I’m not too big to admit that this is a proud moment for me. I would like to reassure the fans that I did not foist myself on the Second Barrier Crew – but I did get in before big Justin!”

Then, on our way out of the building, as our man paused to collect some URSC membership leaflets, he was surprised to spot none other than Ireland pin up centre and Ulster’s blonde answer to Brian O’Driscoll – Andrew Trimble!

“Is it true that you have been invited to stand up for the Ulstermen at the Second Barrier?” asked our man with the tape recorder. “Yes”, was the humble reply, before Andrew added, “Would you like to see my new shirt? This is the last of a limited edition but I hear they have commissioned a new version for the colonial boys from down under.”

                          


So there you have it – the rumour is true! If you would like to be photographed with any of the Ulster Rugby Squad please send a cheque for £10 £20 £30 to: Cap’n Grumpy, The Second Barrier, Raving Hill, Belfast. Once the cheque has cleared we will contact you to arrange a personal audience with a player of your choice; isn’t that right Mike?

This article may appear a bit far fetched but Scoop wishes to assure you it may be a lot nearer the truth than some would believe! On the other hand it may not be. As we at Scoop are wont to say – “it all depends which side of the barrier you’re on”.

4 May

Committee take A Big Hand out of Critics’ Band!

Have you noticed the deepening sense of dismay over on the UAFC site, known to many as the dark side, as the malingerers and malcontents that loiter there slowly come to terms with that age old truism – he who controls the press controls public opinion.
For it appears that the worm has finally turned. For months now the long suffering members of the URSC committee have had to endure a steady drip, drip, drip of scathing criticism as they were accused of failing to deliver on just about everything. Who knows – if the team had been losing on the field they would probably have carried the can for that as well? So it must have come as a surprise to many as the URSC apparently spared no expense in publishing their new full colour tabloid, ‘A Big Hand’, and running an editorial which well and truly turned the tables on the pompous, self opinionated cyber police who think the world of Ulster Rugby Supporters was created for themselves and not the ordinary man in the street.
And their problem is…..
Someone apparently thought the AGM was poorly organised, monopolised by a few self interested individuals, ran on far too long and, wait for it, ……incredibly boring. But what was worse – shock, horror, dismay, and tribulation….the Editor actually ran the story!
No one at URSC HQ was available for comment – well, are they ever? But when we rang on the hot line all we got was a repeated message on the answer phone from a chappie claiming to be a Lance Corporal Jones …..”They don’t like it up ‘em sir!”

But what do you, our readers think. Were you there? Did you fall asleep? Did you spot the dry area of paint on the ceiling? Were you the ones who sneaked off to the bar?
Not wishing to be outdone by that rag bag publication over the page, we at Scoop are pleased to announce yet another prize**, which will be awarded for the most original and amusing report of this year’s AGM. So, come on you curmudgeonly posters – here’s your chance to set the record straight, and boost the cyber ratings of this comic at the same time.

**Scoop will donate a Belfast Marathon 2006 T Shirt to the author of the winning entry. This shirt, size L, has never been worn by the original kimble, although it is rumoured he paid for it. (Likely story, Ed.) Entries must not exceed 463 words in total and be in English. Credit will also be given for correct spelling and the correct use of grammar. Closing date; 17th May 2006. The Editor’s decision will be final, once we all agree with it.

2 May

Eventsec outwitted (again) as kimble goes on the run (again).

With the news that the SCOOP boys were running in this year’s marathon, Eventsec tried to take the opportunity to run the original kimble to earth. With a large presence of security staff on the streets, much to the surprise of the race marshals, the on-looking crowd were treated to the oft repeated calls of “keep behind the lines!” and “keep clear of the yellow box junctions!” All the time, of course, these bastions (is that how it’s spelt?) of good crowd control practice were keeping a sharp eye out for any sign of a “second barrier crew” shirt. The SCOOP & FRU boys of course were one step ahead all the way, by coming in disguise of their newly designed running shirts.

The nearest one young security man got was when the cap’n stepped forward to record dewi’s posterior …. run for posterity. Fortunately, the Cap’n distracted him by throwing one of Dewi’s horde of pies, and then showed him a clean pair of heels.