It was two o’clock in the am, and I was staggering ……. walking up to my front door, well, both of my front doors actually, when I happened to look up at the sky, and happened to notice that not only where there two moons loitering up there, but they had started two turn from the usual white-ish colour two a red-ish colour.

Being of an inquisitive nature, I stayed two watch this phenonem …. fenomena …. thing that was happening (anyway, I couldn’t get me keys in two the locks, and ‘er indoors didn’t seem two enamoured (or was it four enamoured?) when I started ringing the doorbell and shouting “I love U” through the letterbox. (but maybe that was because I was at the wrong house).

Anyway, I watched this phimonim …. strange thingie, and before two long both moons had turned completely RED!

Now I’m not superstitious or anything – never have been, never will be (touch wood), but it did occur to me that this might be a portent of things two come – and just two prove it did actually happen I did find my way intwo my own houses and get out the old TLR (twin lens reflex for the uninishiated ….. unanish ….. stupid), and here it is …. they are!

A portent of things to come? Ulster revival to continue? Wales to win 6N? (It certainly won’t be Scotland – that would require two blue moons), or (whisper it softly) – Scarlets to shatter Ulster hopes?

Maybe I read two much into this though – when I got up this morning, everything was back two normal (apart from a sore head). Did I imagine it? How two account for the foties though?

30th January 2008.
Letters.

Scoop would like to apologise in advance for any embarrassment caused to our FRU "colleagues" by publication of the documents below, but under the Freedom of Information Act, we are compelled to publish as we have received a request to do so.

Buck House
London
SBC 2BU

29 January 2008

Ceptain

One was “serfing” one’s favourite websites the other day (and the FRU), when one noticed that (another) one had observed that Mary often wrote to those awful riff-raff fat people at the FRU, but that one was too busy to write to Scoop.

One would like to put the record straight and point out that one was unaware that one was even requested to make one’s literary contribution to this one-derful website. One will have a word with one’s staff pronto-like, and have the culprit executed set one’s corgi’s on whoever gaffed.

One would like it to be known that Phil and one’s self would be honoured and privileged to write for such a fine organ as Scoop.  Unfortunately, one has to draw the line somewhere regarding where one bestows “By Royal Appointment”, and until you stop associating with those undesirable ruffs in the FRU, one will not be allowing use of one’s title.

One would like to consider one’s self

Colonel-in-Chief,
One’s Second Berrier Crew

PS. Does one like one’s new postcode, one has just decreed?

2nd barrier up
half-way line
ravers

30 January 2008

Dear Liz

Thank you for your letter of 29 January (and the handwritten note on the back of the flap of the Gordon’s case – Honestly, I know it was about the FRU, but I WAS surprised by the language). I appreciate the comment that “SCOOP is much better than wot FRU is”, but let’s be honest, “one” didn’t need “one” to tell “one” that!

Unfortunately we cannot take you up on your kind offer to “ditch the riff-raff and reap the benefits”. You may be aware of a certain beer commercial, (well Wills & Harry will, anyway); I won’t mention the name because I know that it has another meaning in the Windsor household, but maybe this helps?

The concept is that “one” doesn’t ditch “one’s” mates just because “one” gets a better offer. Not that “one” owes anything to that bunch of losers on the FRU, you understand, but “one” doesn’t want to impair the resettlement development of our young GIT’s (Galoots In Training), as they continue in their “community service” for the Duke of Edinburgh Award Scheme. I do hope you understand that they feel compelled to work amongst those poor down-and-outs of the FRU.

I do also appreciate your offer that “there could be a gong in it for you, without having to bung the government a few bob”, but I place my loyalty to “the crew” ahead of any baubles that may come my way personally. When Colzo finally gets his Duke of Ed Bronze Award, I will be just as proud as I would have been with the “K” you offered me.

Incidentally, while we are on the subject, could you ask Phil to confirm that “community service” sentenced arranged through the Youth Courts actually qualifies for the Duke of Ed Scheme? If not, could you get him to change the rules to see that it does.

Cheers, Liz

Grumps

PS. Thanks for the tip on the gee-gees, next week.

30th January 2008
M Club Madness follows Heineken Hiccup!

Yes indeedio!  We are back.  So, in time honoured tradition, let us be the first to wish both our readers a “Very, Very Happy New Year!”

Well we never really went away you know!  It is just that Christmas came very early at Ravenhill this year, (roundabout September) and we decided to join in.  Some say that we had writers block.  Well that is not true.  We were just blocked.

Anyway, we’re back.  The slim-line, low – cal, nicotine free, road running, clean shaven, sun tanned, sweet scented option for the discerning rugby reader.  The “Antithesis of the FRU”, as we like to be called, except that Skoop Scop, Skup, Shc Scoop is easier to spell.  Back to witness the greatest comeback in sporting history.

And it all starts with the re-enactment of the Exodus up at Raving Hill.  About the only man missing is Charlton Heston.  Any time now we expect Cables to wave his walking stick, we mean staff, and part Belfast Lough.  But we at Socop reckon we have it all sussed.

If there is an M in your name you are a Marked man.  Well just look at the facts…

Mark McCall, Keiron CaMpbell, David HuMphreys, ToMMy Bowe, Neill McMillen, AdaM Larkin, indeed the more M’s you have the quicker you move on.

So we sent our roving reporter down to Raving Hill to ask Ike Reid, CEO of Ulster Rugby.  “This theory is so far fetched as to be unworthy of response”, said Ike.  “It is typical of the puerile nonsense pedalled by ‘So called’ Ulster fans and the gutter press”, he continued, before adding, “Sure look at Roger Wilson, he left and he doesn’t have that letter in his handle.” 

“Any way, I will stay in charge here, and I will not be leaving…ever!” he continued, (with out using a single word with the letter M in it).

So, rumours that Ike may well follow Mark down the well trodden road of also-rans may indeed be wide of the mark.

Well, be that as it may, we are sticking by our claims.  Watch out Matt McCullough, Paul Marshall, Andy TriMble, SiMon Danielli, Mark BartholoMeusz, Mark McCrea, Paul McKenzie, and so on and so forth.

As a disgruntled chicken farmer from Tynan was heard to slur, after blowing his egg set aside payment on Armagh Chardonnay  “It sheems that Sshoop have shit the head on the nail.  If only Paddy Wallash were to wear his shirt upshide down then they might shack him ash well.”

But what is really going on.  Well, now Skoup can finally reveal the real and shocking truth.  Having failed to secure any money for a new stadium, and realising that Ulster will never again qualify for the knock out stages of the World Cup, Ulster Rugby has decided to move out, lock, stock and Guinness barrel, stealthily, one by one, to…..to….. Northampton.  Well, it’s obvious really.  It has been going on for years now.  And now the fans are planning to follow.  Sure the boys up at the second Barrier Crew were even heard practising their new song when they were down at the Estate Agents late last year…..…”We’re not the All Blacks, we’re Northampton”, they chanted, as they queued to cash in on the North Down property boom.

“Oh when the Saints, Oh when the Saints, Oh when the Saints go marching in……”