Issue 9

14 February 2006

 

France 43 Ireland 31

The FRU can't think of anything more satirical than O'Sullivans own words at the post match press conference. The quotes have been lifted unchanged from the BBC web site.

Ireland coach Eddie O'Sullivan lamented a series of "schoolboy errors" after France's 43-31 RBS Six Nations victory.
"I don't think France did that much except pick up the scraps that we gave them," said O'Sullivan.

"The players did not go out to make those mistakes but you do not expect that many in one game."

O'Sullivan said Brian O'Driscoll was forced off late in the game because of a tight hamstring while Paul O'Connell also picked up an elbow injury.

The Irish coach said his team had given away "stupid tries" in the first half.

"For the first try, Tommy Bowe slipped coming into the defensive line which was just one of those things.

"For the other tries, we had an intercept, a block down and a spilled ball. Those are things that are schoolboy errors.

"We addressed the errors at half-time but we still made a silly mistake at the start of the second half for their sixth try.

"After that, we just stopped making silly errors, held on to the ball, ran at the French and took them through the phases."

 

 


O'Sullivan at Press Conference.


Ireland in training.

 

 

 

Letters To The Editor.

Dear Ed,

We were most disappointed to miss the copy deadline for Scoop’s Valentine Special, but perhaps you could include this wee ditty – after all – it is all about you know who.

Slap it up ya big lad!

Love and Kisses,

Slack Alice and Dirty Gertie

Dear Dewi,

Re: France 43 Ireland 31

A wise man once said, ”Plagerism is the same as stealing you know!

You should have taken quotes from several websites, not just the BBC one.

I was always taught that to steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, but to steal from many was RESEARCH!

Yours,

Dr Hobson Guiney
Physician to Cherryvalley Ladies XV

 

Hey Ed!

I thought Scoop was neamt be funny!

Dead Ball

 

Dear Ed,

With reference to Miss C. Nick’s question, "Exactly who is Sparky & does he have a bit of love in his life - is there a Mrs Sparky?" I would draw hers and your attention to a now missing excerpt from the Bear Wit-takers Almanac, (a bear's who's who) as follows:

the protrusion/projection which protrudes/projects from the Sparky’s posterior is known as a ‘Bobbit’ in some parts of the United States. Sparky’s ‘bobbit’ was surgically attached, (glued) by an Irish surgeon who later admitted to being extremely focussed, but failed to notice the bear lying face down on the table during the operation.”

Sparkywatch can confirm that when questioned about this artefact all Sparky will say is, “I live with it.” Whether this is a veiled reference to Mrs. Sparky or the artefact Sparkywatch cannot be sure. One thing is certain, is that Crafty when she takes up her station at the second barrier for the Munster game, she will muster all possible sympathy, understanding, love and passion that females can bring to bear. In stark contrast to those hard nosed b******s on the Terrace.

Hope this little snippet of information will help answer Miss C. nick’s query.

Regards, Sparkywatch.
(Sparkywatch is indebted to Ben A Pallbearer (BP) of the Grisly Bear foundation for the missing extract.)

 

Dear Ed,

Re: URSC Response to Girly Questions.

Are you sure they are the answers to the Girly questions and not Tommy Bowes
responses to Crafty

Yours,

Samueltee!

 

 

 

FRU Sponsors Ireland.

The FRU are ashamed to announce that they have had to buy the IRFU a Fire Engine so that they can get Hayes and Corrigan back down to earth after they've been lifted by the French pack.

FRU spokesman Tighthead Prod stated, "This is a say day for the front row union in Ireland. Things got so bad with Hayes that at one stage we thought we'd have to go for a parachute!"

 


The FRU Fire Engine.
Ashamed Sponsors of IRFU.

   

Has Crafty Ruined Tommy?
A Valentines Day Special.

Has the Mrs Robinson of the Message Board ruined our Tommy's International Career? Here are the facts: -

He was an up and coming star of Irish Rugby.

She was a rugby genius with an eye for a pass.

He won the IRB Young Player of the year.

She won the INTISTT MotM.

They met in Paris for the awards ceremony.

Next game Tommy's pants!

Coincidence? I think not!



   

Dodgy Ticket?

Rumour has been rife on the Ulster Message Board concerning a spate of dodgy tickets which have been sold off the back of a lorry in the Onslow-on-Sea area of Raving Hill County.

The lorry, which also serves as a mobile discotheque, is thought to belong to local spiv "Private" Walker. Walker has been seen hanging around with local fatboy and self appointed "Captain" Mainwaring who is thought to run the local "Home Guard" or the affectionately known "Old Boys Army".

Our FRU reporter on approaching the lorry to witness some ticket transactions was recognised and confronted by local hard man, part time butcher and number two in the "Old Boys Army" the mysteriously named "Corporal" Jones. Our reporter made his excuses and left only to be chased by the "Corporal" brandishing a butchers knife shouting "They don't like it up-em!".


   
I - Prod
An occasional piece by our resident tech head and general man about town - Tighthead Prod.

Is There no Justice?

The FRU were surprised to hear two bits of gossip over the last few weeks.

The first juicy titbit was that old friend of the FRU and well known man about town Mr Coctatrice has in fact escaped the long arm of the law by having his parking fine rescinded.
Specualtion that a certain young man has now started a lock-in for certain traffic branch members is entirely unrelated.

The second scrap is that the URSC pressbox is none other than local legend Gavin Mairs. The FRU has its doubts - one is a forthright journalist and the other works for the Belfast Telegraph.

   

10 Girly Questions About Rugby.
A craftynick exclusive.

1. Is it not embarassing having to bind for a scrum & stick your head between someones cheeks & your hands on their jacobs - what if they're windy??

2. Do you have to be the ugliest player on the team to be the hooker - or does it just help?

3. Why does David Humphries take off his scrum cap before kicking - has he more/better eyes on the side of his head too?

4. Exactly why do forwards get cauliflower ears?

5. Why is no 8 the only position that doesnt actually have a name - does nobody like them?

6. Are there any single men left on the Ulster (or Ireland) team?

7. Exactly who is Sparky & does he have a bit of love in his life - is there a Mrs Sparky?

8. Is Boss the only Scrum-half in rugby that isnt brute ugly & about 5'5 - are those 2 requirements for that position?

9. In the line out how on earth do you manage to lift 17 stone men so high in the air - since im only 5'1 would you lift me that high up so i could see over the bar please?

10. And finally what about some half time entertainment - a few strippers for us ladies & a few cheerleaders for the blokes (especially Mike of course!)

If anyone knows the answers to all these questions & wants to enlighten me please send answers on a postcard to : The Beer Tent, Ravenhill. No later than the 3rd of March.

 

Girly Questions Answered.
It appears that our very own Samueltee (well at least someone called Samuel) has been quick of the mark and is first to get in with HIS answers to crafty's questions.

Q1 Thats why rugby is a game for Big Boys and its called getting your second wind.

Q2 Only if it's a girls team.

Q3 It's to hear the cheer when the ball goes over.

Q4 Cauliflower helps the wind and adds scent to the breeze.

Q5 He's called lock and the rest are the stock except for the frontrow who of course are the barrels.

Q6 Married men are more funand better at ducking and diving.

Q7 Who wants little Sparky's and are you really interested in Mrs Sparky all that fur but you should see her wag her tail oooH.

Q8 How else would Springer qualify?

Q9 You don't its the Cauliflower effect they flap their ears.

Q10 The Capt and Kimble volunteered but nobody would hold their plastic Guinness glasses and by the time they had drained them they couldn't find the buttons.

So if you have any further questions of a personal nature please e-mail and your girly curiosity may be satisified by personal appointment (photos required before any personal appointments NB ugly hookers will be charged).

 

The following is a full statement* from the URSC^ in response to Crafty’s Girly questions.
I think we all know what obsessive dead head that this came from!

[1] No

[2] No

[3] No

[4] Don’t know

[5] Yes

[6] No

[7] No

[8] Yes

[9] Absolutely NO (Health & Safety)

[10] See above.

Could we take this opportunity to thank everyone for their support this season and hopefully the above illustrates the point that we are only too happy to see a full and inclusive club that is both transparent and accountable to the membership.

 
     
   
       
   

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