More Readers Letters (Stanleygate Special)

MR may not have contacted us but one of the Stanley's has. Read in full (almost) his angst ridden plea for help as he tries to justify his scandalous behaviour!

Dear Sirs

I find myself writing to you in a moment of need.
A need to to explain myself.
A while a go I was approached to appear on the Nolan Show and represent the interests of the Clubs members.
We all know that nobody likes the Maze and that the government in NI are a shower of B******s, they have with out doubt tried to destroy Ravenhill's hopes of becoming a great and modern stadium.
They would desire for us to agree to a ridiculous sized stadium and in turn receive a few bob to do up the stadium. So we at the URSC decided to let out what was really going on, well at least I was. Therefore I don't understand what all the fuss is about, it was the right thing to say and when we get freedom from UR I for one will be continuing to speak my mind on what is good for Ulster.

If they want my resignation for that they can have it!

I love the site by the way.

Regards

Stanley (The rest of this letter has been removed to protect the innocent.)

Message Bored.

A reasonably quiet week on the Ulster Branch message board this week with the main topic of discussion being where to meet up over in Watford.
Big Joe and Gaz were organising the Walkabout for the URSC and every third reply or so someone would chip in with a new suggestion.
In the interest of research the FRU decided to sample all pubs mentioned, below are our findings.

The Walkabout.

Pictured right is the amazing scene that greeted our reporter in the Walkabout when he walked in to find himself in the middle of a URSC committee meeting. Gaz, Big? Joe and the rest of the boys seemed to be enjoying themselves and were just finishing business before CT and YM popped in to check out the corporate perks (or pecks)! However when the committee started to turn around our reporter made his excuses and left.

The Irish Bar a couple of doors down.

Normally the FRU will avoid Irish Bars but after the disturbing scene in the Walkabout we just went into the nearest bar and had a stiff drink.
Here we were made to feel very welcome and were served exotic drinks by young beautiful maidens, as can be seen from our exclusive picture. It was particularly gratifying to see CT and YM being turned away at the door.

After a few drinks our reporter made his excuses and stayed.

Over on the UASC site the normal "love in" nearly broke out into an argument over the Stanleygate affair. There was plenty of back chat and talk back and everyone got a bit bugged, but in the end the boys and girls all held hands and decided that after all the problems of the last few weeks that the UASC would buy Mr Reid a Christmas present (right). The FRU hopes they kept the receipt!

More of Stanleygate in SCOOP - Click Now!

Christmas Reading.

Always ones to better ourselves our literary expert THP would like to draw your attention to some excellent reading material just out for Christmas.

‘’All You’ll Ever Need To Know About Being Ulster Rugby’s Greatest Living and Most Insightful Rugby Supporter – A Step by Step Guide From The Expert’’ by Ballpark

‘’The Kenboss Guide to International Relations ‘’

‘’How to Motivate Your Opponents’’ by Steve Diamond

‘’A Lounge Lizard’s Guide Leinster Liquor Emporia’’ Darcey Dancer

''Collective Responsibility and The Importance of Confidentiality in Committees'' by URSC

''The Incomplete Mariner's Guide - half round a duck pond in 80 days'' Capt Grumpy

'' The Urscgate Affair - I was Ulster Rugby's Agent on the Committee'' Cockatrice

''Ballpark - My Part in His Downfall'' Deadball

''The Art of The Short Post'' Volumes 1-6 with Appendices - Ballpark

''How To Win Friends And Influence People - The Unabridged Version '' Deadball (This book only contains 1 page - The Title)

Friday: – UlsterrrrrrrrrTV hope to bring you “The Great Escape” with rare citings of Justin Harrison & Matt McCullough. If this is not possible, “Two of our Forwards are Missing” followed by “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” will be shown instead.

Christmas Eve: - Trinny & Suzanna bring us a special programme “Does My Bum Look Big In This?” in which they discuss this season’s fashions worn by the FRU. (And for those who will be in a drunken stupor by the time it comes on and want to know their conclusions, don’t worry about keeping receipts to take things back. It doesn’t matter what you wear, if you’re in the FRU, the answer is “YES!”)

Christmas Day: – Please note that the film “The Snowman” (Starring Frostie the Snowman) may have to be cancelled as some of the snow turned out to be suspiciously powdery, and the contents of his pipe have also been sent for analysis. Harley Queen’s Christmas Speech to the common & wealthy is also in doubt, pending blood tests there too. Due to the doubts, “The Wizard of Oz” (Starring JH) will be held ready - Justin case!

Boxing Day: – Being Boxing Day, what else could it be but “Rocky XXXVII” (a remake of the classic movie where the White Knights took on the Saracen hordes). Following this, the hills, (especially Ravinghill), will be alive to “The Sound of Mucous” as the Leinster players do their impressions of stuffed turkeys.

New Year’s Day: – The British Broadcasting Corporation (Northern Ireland) will be screening a special programme on those who have been honoured in the Honours List. Those widely tipped to be paying a visit to the Palace include Sir Kenboss (Order of White Knights), for services to education (English and history). (It is also strongly rumoured that rather than him visit the palace, HM may pay a State Visit to Dublin where he will host her).

*NB Due to lobbying by animal rights activists, the traditional Christmas Circus has also been axed. Viewers who wish to see clowns, tightrope walking, animal behaviour, wheels coming off etc, are advised to look at the (much too) Big Top of last season’s Celtic League winners (http://www.ospreysrugby.com/forum/).

Reports that “The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe – Directors Cut”, starring Gavin & Charlotte in the grounds man’s hut in Swansea, will be shown in the New Year are wide of the mark, as Henson is expected to be doing penance in Church for taking a couple of Liberties against Leicester!

Readers Letters

Dear Editor

I have recently been tracking a desperate Banditt for crimes against the English language, and getting Santa all in a dither. Santa is of course fluent in many languages and understands all letters written to him, until now, and he has lost it completely being unable to translate mbspke! I recently came close to nailing this Banditt when I got his scent on a messageboard near this one. Unfortunately his scent wasn’t particularly nice (if you follow my drift – he’d drank too much orange juice), and turning my nose up caused me to slip up. (Not a good experience, considering what I slipped in).

In throwing me off track, I stumbled across this site, and I was fascinated to see such a Rogues’ Gallery on the banner of your “Scoop” page. In my line, I am always keen to take on a new challenge if the Rewards are good enough. The “WANTED” posters on that page are unclear, and I would be grateful if the finer details (description, height, distinguishing features etc) which are illegible could be published more prominently. Could you also please confirm if rewards are payable “Dead or Alive”?

Yours
Bowan T. Hunter

Dear Editor

I thought your readers might be interested to know that I have it on good authority that the BBC have recorded interviews by Fatty Nolan of people who are wrong. Fatty has also informed me that there are NO recorded interviews where he is wrong.

I am also informed that the government find this aMazing, and are considering increasing funding to the Beeb (although obviously these two are not linked in any way)!

Yours,

Stanley Gate

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