26 February 2006
|Self Deluding Ireland 31 Self
Destructing Welsh 5.
Irish manager Eddie O'sullivan
managed to convince himself of yet another Irish Rugby revival after
a poor Irish side beat an even worse Welsh one.
As Ireland talk themselves into a false dawn even
bigger than Wales' false dawn of last year it should be remembered
that until Stephen Jones departed injured that Wales had completely
outplayed Ireland in all aspects of the game.
While Jones was on he was able to make breaks at will
through the huge channels either side of O'Gara who yet again struggled
and is becomming a serious concern for Ireland.
There were still plenty of problems up front with
Hayes, yet again, being given hanggliding lessons.
In the backs O'Driscoll
and D'arcy struggled to get their huge ego's through the gap against
the Welsh third string centers. Ireland were indeed very fortunate
that an abysmally out of form Henson was brought on to completely
demoralise his team. Exhibiting a tan the same shade as Irelands
false dawn Henson proceeded to have a nightmare game of epic proportions.
The Welsh management have to ask themselves why they played him
when he's had so little rugby in the last seven months.
So lets all bask in the warm glow of this win and sure the craic
What's Fat and Runs?
The FRU and SCOOP
are pleased to announce that they have managed to pull together
a Relay Team for the Belfast
City Marathon on Monday 1st May 2006.
The team which consists of Dewi Barnes
(FRU, Captain), Tighthead Prod (FRU,
Vice Captain), Cap'n Grumpy (SCOOP, Medical
Expert), The Original Kimble (SCOOP, President
in Waiting, Treasurer, Entertainments Co-ordinator, T Shift Procurer,
Sponsorship Procurer and Keeper of the Memorandum of Understanding)
and Wee Kimble (Unattached, General Assistant
to Mr Kimble) brings together two of the oldest and most bitter
factions of the Ulster Message Board.
Speaking to himself Mr Barnes, Editor of FRU and Team
"It's a bit like the Ulster - Munster rivalry.
They fight when they play each other but sure when they play for
Ireland they fight even more. No seriously, we admire the work
of our competitors in SCOOP (sure its the same as ours only its
out a few days later) and we are looking forward to training with
them. Hopefully we will raise a lot of money for charity."
Speaking on behalf of SCOOP Kimble replied,
"We are really pleased to be associated
with the FRU for this charity run. They are so fat they will make
me and the Cap'n look slim, well me anyway! Vote Kimble for President."
The team will be running for the local Alzheimers
charities in Omagh and Beragh. The
charities have been selected by "The News Letters Rugby
Guru" Richard Mulligan.
Richard, a veteran of the New York
and Beijing marathons, will be running/stumbling/walking
the entire 26 and a bit miles.
There is still plenty
of time to enter the Marathon Team Relay. If you'd like to be involved
contact us here!
Just so you know what's involved check out the first
installment of our Training
Diary. At the moment
it's just Cap'n Grumpy as he's the only one that
has started training.
Kimble has now added his diary. Check
it out here.
Letters to the Editor
It hasn’t gone un-noticed that this week’s
edition is missing its usual “I –
It has been rumoured that there are several possible
reasons for this
1. The daft eejit’s run out of ideas.
2. The other daft eejit (you) forgot to collect his thoughts from/for
3. Another daft eejit (Eddie – is that you too?) has him
in Dublin at a training camp for the front row against Scottyland.
4. The Political Correctness Police have him in custody.
5. He’s injured – broke a finger nail typing his article.
So which one is it, and can you use the other 4 excuses
to keep him out of FRU for the next four weeks Issues too? (I.e.
about six or seven weeks.)
|Ghost Writer in Disguise.
At last weeks awards ceremony in the Europa
Hotel the inaugural Golden Fig Leaf was Scooped by none other than
Ms Incense Herrity, a hitherto unknown ghost writer
who has only recently come to the attention of the Ulster public
through the publication of her work on the UAFC Message Board.
Apparently hired by none
other than President in Waiting, The Original
Kimble, on account of his inability to be serious about
anything for more than a few seconds, Ms Herrity has been tasked
with promoting the cause of common sense; reasonableness; peace
and love within the schisms of Ulster Rugby’s die hard supporters.
“If only the five of them would kiss and make up”, she
said, after the celebration dinner. “They can borrow some
of mine if need be – I find the Estee Lauder range ideal for
The much sought after accolade owes its origins to
cretin certain Mr Ball Park, rugby pundit,
raconteur, and guardian of all that is good about Ulster Rugby.
Since this last aspect of his vocation leaves him with little to
write about these days, he very generously agreed to chair the Golden
Fig Leaf Awards Committee. The award is given in recognition of
those who try to disguise their hypocrisy through satirical writing
hidden behind the fig leaf of apparent anonymity.
Mr Park, who has considerable
experience of how committees should be run, said after the ceremony,
“I am delighted to see such obvious talent being recognised
for what it really is!”
Incense, who was born Encénse
Etivité in the French West Indies, can trace her routes back
to the union of a plantation owner and a young African slave. With
her trademark tongue in cheek smile and enormous melons, she is
a national pin up in her native Guadeloupe.
She is married to Johnson Herrity, a local chicken farmer from
|The Race Heats Up.
As promised we have caught up with the heir
apparent on his election campaign. The non- existent election manifesto
has gone down well in many of the friendlier URSC strongholds. Mr
Kimble was able to catch up with a few members this week to remind
them why he was the ‘King pin’ of the organisation.
It is hard to believe but the pollsters have him lagging
behind a new candidate who has decided to throw his hat in the ring
at the last minute.
So the new leader in the Presidential Elections is
none other than Gary who has put forward a very strong manifesto.
We can now reveal he has four main points to his manifesto.
1. Commitment – Yes Gary sights
the fact he has supplied more resignations than had hot dinners
is not a contradiction to his commitment to Ulster Rugby! Oh and
the URSC as well.
2. Responsibility – He points to some of
the high points in URSC calendar as proof that he is not afraid
to take responsibility for these events. He was unavailable for
comment on the Munster trip fiasco.
3. Accountability – He states he will make
sure the club is accountable to all it’s members. But states
“he will be hard on dissenters and hard on the sources of
4. Productivity – He guarantees that all
on the committee will produce a club that will be the envy of the
whole rugby world.
It is easy to see why his CRAP campaign
could be so appealing to some. Why he even has Sparky buying into
it and has officially joined his campaign.
As always the FRU, the trusted choice, will seek to
keep you informed of any updates on this and other developments
in this exciting run for URSC office. We also hope to catch up with
this new candidate to afford him the same opportunity as TOK to
put forward his views on all things Ulster Rugby.
Political correspondent Ira
|Shock PRO League Probe Over Game
The FRU can now disclose that a major
plot to fix match scores in the PRO League has been foiled. It appears
that an investigation is now under way as to how this could have
happened. A spokesman for the PRO League stated,
“Well there are proper ways and procedures
to deal with this type of thing. We will of course be diligent in
leaving no stone unturned and will stick closely to the guidelines
as set out in our constitution. We have brought an expert in to
assist and Mr. Graham will be assisting us the whole way through
“It is not the predictions that were allegedly
fixed it was the actual game itself. There will now be a full and
transparent investigation, the results of which will be published
in the suitable media journals. Due process restricts me from discussing
it any further at the moment, other than to say we as club committee
will meet after 5 to discuss the issue in detail”.
It has involved at least one member, who we can only
refer to as ‘J’ for legal reasons, of the PRO League
who has stooped to new lows in recent weeks and has even threatened
violence with a female participant. This member has been seen colluding
in these photos and it is clear to most something shady has been
Sadly other glitterati from the message board have
also been identified as being involved. We can not name the gentlemen
involved as it is felt the investigation may clear him from involvement.
We will hope to have more information in the coming days.
FRIENDS OF FRU
1 (4 Dec S05)
Issue 2 (12 Dec 05)
Issue 3 (19 Dec 05)
Issue 4 (31 Dec 05)
Issue 5 (8 Jan 06)
Issue 6 (16 Jan 06)
Issue 7 (27 Jan 06)
Issue 8 (5 Feb 06)
Issue 9 (14 Feb 06)
Issue 10 (21 Feb 06)
Issue 11 (26 Feb 06)
Issue 12 (10 March 06)
Issue 13 (19 March 06)
Issue 14 (24 March 06)
Issue 15 (2 April 06)
Issue 16 (9 April 06)
Issue 17 (19 April 06)
Issue 18 (2 May 06)
Issue 19 (8 May 06)
Issue 20 (15 May 06)
Issue 21 (22 May 06)
Issue 22 (28 May 06)