New Puppet Master at URSC.

The FRU can now reveal the sinister puppet master behind the new URSC committee. The committee members were voted in during the AGM on Wednesday night despite the best efforts of professional whingers Cockatrice and Dead Ball.

The actual Office Bearers have yet to be elected but there is only one man pulling the strings, none other than the power hungry "Original" Kimble.

Kimble seen celebrating late into the night, although he's supposed to be in strict training for the Belfast Marathon, was heard to state, "They won't be worrying about a lousy £2,500 this time next year Stan. Your year in charge will be remembered in style. Who knows, you may even make it onto TV this time."

As the pliable Stan muttered his thanks Kimble continued, "I've already got the FRU onside, and with their media clout I'm going to bring some respect back to the committee. All we need to do is get you voted Chairman and me Secretary, I'll get my boy Cables in and we can re-write the constitution. We'll be able to do what we want without having to answer to any of the members. Let's see them whinge about that!"

Despite being shocked by the wheeling and dealings of the power crazy dictator the FRU have decided to go along with his suggestions at least until his advertising budget is used up.

URSC TO BLOW MONEY ON EXPENSIVE BAUBLE

The FRU can reveal exclusively that, after the election of Office Bearers, the first item on the agenda at the next URSC Committee Meeting will be the commissioning and purchase of a Ceremonial Chain of Office for the URSC Chairperson. A highly placed source told the FRU,

"The Committee isn't totally stupid ; we've been aware for some time that we've had a bit of a credibility problem which we attribute primarily to Committee Members not projecting the right image - not enough authority and gravitas. In an attempt to be taken more seriously, the Committee has decided to introduce a dress code for Committee members at formal URSC Events and, more importantly , that the Chairperson should have a Ceremonial Chain of Office to denote his/her prestigious position.''

Continuing, the URSC source opined with a thinly disguised smirk,

"We don't even have to take this to the members - unlike the Tackle Bags - as any money spent will be for the use of the URSC !!''.

The FRU understands that a formal approach has already been made to Asprey & Garrard and a prototype has already been commissioned and was delivered the day after the AGM as our exclusive picture can reveal.

As ''our source'' skulked away in his sweaty tee shirt and brothel creepers, he was observed to be repeatedly looking at his reflection in shop windows - possibly wondering if his thin but wiry frame could adequately support ''The Chain of Office''.??

Incidentally the source also left behind an advertising flyer from a Portraiture Photographer in the Ballyholme area.

Shock news just in! The FRU has just been informed of a plot to kill Dead Ball. It appears from documents sent anonymously to our offices that Dead Ball had to assume another name under the Northern Ireland Message Board Witness Protection Programme (NIMBPP). Apparently Dead Ball had to go under cover after it was discovered is personal details had been leaked to certain factions within the now disgraced URSC. He was subsequently warned of an imminent threat.

It is believed the falling out amongst these message board maniacs occurred over certain (unfounded) allegations relating to the UAFC Trip to Glasgow. Things got heated when the UR Partner Stena announced their package and a vicious price war developed culminating in the UAFC attempting to steal Stena customers from outside the Sealink terminal.

It has also been confirmed that a faction within the UAFC formerly associated with the URSC has been arrested over the leak and subsequent threat. The only comment that the person, who can not be named for legal reasons, made was to say, “Tell everybody the bus will still run, if it’s the last thing I do!” He was lead away by a couple of plain clothed police men one wearing a kilt and the other wearing a cowboy outfit.

A Stena insider said that they had no comment to make at this point.

We eventually caught up with Dead Ball and asked him what where his plans for the future since the death threat has now been lifted. He stated “I have planned to go back to adopting my moniker. It was a bit hairy there for a while and I had to go underground. I have come back to find that my moniker has been banned on the UAFC site! My plan is to start a campaign to be allowed back. I would imagine Fermain would accept this so long as certain undertakings are given, he is after all a reasonable man?”

We will watch with great interest whether the UAFC will indeed let this notorious poster back on to post in the future!!

From our militant correspondant A Big No 10 Touch Down!

Caption Competition.

View the entries to Issue 14 Caption Competition HERE

A free pint, bought by Cap'n Grumpy, will be awarded to Anonymous Impersonator. So whoever was pretending to be Gary please contact Grumpy at the next home game for your free pint.