Heineken Challenge

Five of the staff writers for SCOOP and the FRU have been asked to provide a filler for one of our Mexican Correspondents who's copy appears to have gone missing in the ethernet.
Five were asked but only four responded so here are their opinions of how the Irish Provinces are performing so far in the Heineken Cup.

Stewi/Dewi.
Ulster.
Ulster have progressed well this season and are now learning to win ugly. Wins away to Saracens and at home to Biarritz should see them getting through on top and gain that all important seeding. No one will want to come to Ravenhill but I only see them getting to the semi-finals at best.
Munster.
Learnt to win ugly years ago but it appears their main game plan is to bully the other sides. Not the force they were but will show enough to qualify in second place. Quarter finals will be end of the road.
Leinster.
Never know were you are with Leinster. Still got great backs but have they got it up front? I think it'll be too much of a job for Heaslip on his own and I can't see them clawing back Baths three point lead. Out in the Group stages.

Albert K Hall.
Munster.
Kick to the corners from the start this weekend a-la-Ulster and muck it up big time (again). Pressure then tells against Castres and by the time of the January Sale at Thomond, it's the English who get the bargains - Munster out in the group stages.
Leinster.
Scrape a highest runners-up spot to get an away draw in the QF - TO ULSTER. Controversy as Trimble picks up and carries BOD 10m before dropping him (Leinster claim a "spear tackle" but ref has none of it). Ulster win easily even before BO'D is red carded in the last minute for a second high tackle on Justin H. Leinster - losing quarter finalists.
Ulster.
Five pointer against Sarries this weekend, (despite my prediction in the fantasy league); followed by a scrappy win against BO and whopping big win in Italy mean that Ulster will top their group to get a home draw against the Leinster. In the QF, AT shows BO'D how to play at center, running in a hat-trick of tries as Ulster go through. Luck of the draw is with us again as Toulouse come for the now mandatory defeat of a French team by Ulster - in front of 60000 screaming Ulster men (& women) at Croker. Not too sure about the final though!

Captain Grumpy.
Ulster.
Playing on confidence so far, but need to avoid injuries in key areas. IF we can win at Vicarage Road, we will go on to top the group and get a home Q/F where we won’t be afraid to take anyone on. Realistically if we get that far we will consider it a good season – anything else is a bonus. Big IF
Munster.
Ugly is as ugly does! Will probably grind out a runners up spot just good enough to qualify, but depending on the draw, will probably go out in the Q/F.
Leinster.
Pretty is as pretty does – but can’t do much without the ball(s). Will also take runners up spot. Must get a good result this weekend and will rely on what team Bath put out in the last round of matches to determine if it’s good enough to go through.

Probably don't need to look outside the big English & French clubs for a winner - AGAIN!

Tighthead Prod.
Leinster.
As always potentially a great team with Darcy displaying a semblance of his best form and hopefully BOD also returning in the New Year. Young Kearney is a great prospect – let’s hope he does not “do a Darcy’’ and lose a few years “along the primrose path of dalliance’’!! However not convinced about the pack’s ability to win sufficient good ball to allow ‘’Quicksilver’’ to release his exocets out wide. THP predicts Leinster to fall at the first hurdle!!
Munster.
Undoubtedly Munster are the Irish team with the best record in the HEC over recent years. However they appear to have “hit the wall’’ in terms of their own form and also being in the same group as Sale – possibly the most complete team in terms of sheer physicality up front , having a good kicker and pace and creativity in the backs. For the sake of Irish rugby would love to see David Wallace having an extended run. THP predicts Munster supporters will not need to make travel plans beyond the group stages.
Ulster.
Not going to win any friends here and will be compared with that legendary “Motivational Speaker” – Private Frazier in Dad’s Army – “We are Doomed’’. Cannot see Ulster beating Sarries away unless M McCall can con the Ulster Players into thinking the match starts about 45 mins before it actually does! We didn't turn up for the first 15 Mins against Biarritz and last week’s first half was a bit lethargic as well –thankfully the Sarries’ kickers’ “radar was on the blink’’. THP Cannot see us progressing even in second place. Hope to be proved wrong and would be willing to serve suitable punishment

Agree? Disagree? Do you want to abuse THP? Send us your comments. Click here.

Ulster & Ireland rugby supporters today awoke to the shocking realisation that message board historian kenboss had been formally identified as
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Most shocking about the revelation is his re-writing of history by describing Ronan O'Gara as a great rugby player, but given Iran's standing in world rugby, perhaps this is not surprising!

Kenboss lectures on Irish history

Monster Mash!

The FRU have today been advised that Justin Fitzpatrick has made special efforts to get fit for this weekends away game to Saracens.

Justin decided to go the extra mile after he heard Saracens Director of Rugby Steve "We'll Smash®™ Them" Diamond announce the menu for the after match meal in an emotional outburst on Sky Sports.

The FRU have managed to obtain the after match menu in full so here's what our athletes will be eating after the game.

Starters.
Prawn Surprise - Prawns on a delicate bed of instant mashed potatoes.

Main Meal.
Bangers and Smash®™ - Succulent sausages on a bed of instant mashed potatoes.

Desert.
Strawberry Delight - Lightly whipped strawberry flavoured instant mashed potatoes.

On seeing the menu big Justin stated, " Now that's the sort of meal you could go on a big session on! That'll do me!"

Letters To the Editor

Dear Sir
I found your article on menu for the après ski at Watford on Saturday most interesting (okay, so it's the after match dinner, but I might as well go off piste now as later like most on these websites).

I thought your viewers might be interested to compare that menu with the one served up at Ravenhill last Friday night

Starters
Sour grapes

Main Course
Ulster Roast, followed by
Humble pie (force fed) and Egg on face

Selection of (just) desserts
Best delight.
Instant Whipping boy (Cairns or Castaignede flavour).
Hard cheese & biscuits

W(h)ine
l’urine de Diamond (hard to swallow after a fine “vintage sweet white”)

Yours

Raul Pankin
(Bogoffs Restaurant - Purveyor of fine foods to Ulster Rugby)

The Ravenhill Triangle.

As a follow up to the SCOOP article "One of our Guru's is Missing" and the disappearance of Ballpark the FRU can now report the strange disappearance of our international prop Andy Kershaw.

Andy disappeared almost exactly a year before Ballpark and his case has been investigated thoroughly by amateur sleuth CT. Unfortunately CT's allegation that Kershaw has given up rugby and returned to Kajagoogoo have proven unfounded as he was getting him mixed up with Lamar. The search continues.

One person everyone else was hoping had disappeared made an unwelcome return with his forthright views and hard hitting criticism but it is now believed that Darcy Dancer is now back on his own site under lock and key.

Just when we thought it was safe to return to Ravenhill there was yet another disappearance late on Friday night. Just after Best romped over for his try the Saracens dug out appeared to lose all its dignity. In a fit of childish pique the Saracens waterboy sprayed water and invective over his Ulster counterparts and then strode across the divide to confront them. All dignity disappeared when Dr Dave patted the waterboy on the head and told him to piss off.

CT and YM's Big Day Out.

CT and YM have been bragging about their corporate freebie for a few days now so in the interest of the public the FRU decided to join them on their Big Day Out.

In order to give the story the required balance the FRU also spent a day with a typical terrace dweller.

Bellow is the shocking photo journal of the terrible divide that exists in Ulster Rugby.

YM has a few surprises in store inside the limo.

Message Bored.

The main topic of discussion on the Ulster MB this week was, "Did sambo and craftynick get together?". The FRU can confirm that not only did they get together but that the FRU arranged for their first meeting at the picturesque Helens Bay.
Not only did we get exclusive photos (right) of their first meeting but we have agreed, in conjunction with Samueltee Dodgy Videos, to exclusively cover the wedding, honeymoon and subsequent divorce.

A busy week for Youngman as he declared himself Ulster's Greatest Supporter because he happened to go to the game in Cork. In order to show that there is no sacrifice to great for his beloved Ulster YM is going to travel on EasyJet to the Saracens game this weekend rather than walk across the Irish Sea as is his norm.

Not the best of weeks for banditt either. After causing himself some discomfort with a bottle of orange, I still don't know if he sat on it or drunk it, old banditt decides to have a go at Friday nights supporters for the poor atmosphere. Now banditt went on to explain that he wasn't at the match but heard the poor atmosphere on Radio Ulster! The FRU have kindly produced a picture of Ravenhill to show banditt what he's missing.

Sambo and craftynick finally get together.

Atmosphere-less Ravenhill on Friday.

This Weeks Fixtures.

Friday, 16 December 2005
Sale v Castres, 20:00
Glasgow v Bath, 19:30
Toulouse v Edinburgh, 19:30

Saturday, 17 December 2005
Munster v Newport-Gwent D'gons, 17:15
Cardiff Blues v Calvisano, 15:00
Perpignan v Leeds, 17:30
Stade Francais v Clermont Auvergne, 17:00
Saracens v Ulster, 13:00
Treviso v Biarritz, 13:00
Bourgoin v Leinster, 15:00

Sunday, 18 December 2005
Ospreys v Leicester, 13:00
Wasps v Llanelli Scarlets, 15:00

It's the Heineken Cup Return Fixtures this weekend.
Predictions to be in by 6:00pm Friday 16th December 2005.

Click here to enter.