Ospreys 17                                                                                                                 Ulster 19

The Celtic League came of age on Friday night in a pulsating game at the Liberty Stadium, Swansea. Ulster and the Ospreys slugged it out like two heavyweight prizefighters as the trophy was wrested from the Liberty and transported to Ravenhill, it's spiritual home.

This high paced game, full of drama, was a great advert for the Celtic League and should go some way towards securing a big name sponsor for this fledgling competition. The Celtic League can surely look to next season with some confidence now that Ulster and their huge traveling support have added some credibility to the competition.

The Celtic League rubbed it's hands with glee as an unnamed spokesman stated, "It's great that Ulster have finally won the competition. We hope to get the same benefit that the European Rugby Cup got when they won it in 99. That was a competition dying on its feet, but when Ulster beat Toulouse and Stade and then took 50,000 to Lansdowne the whole competition was rejuvenated and the sponsors committed themselves. We hope to get the same effect. Let's face it it's been the Ulster fans hard cash that's kept this competition going so far."

David Humphreys scored an amazing 75 yard drop kick in the final minute which bounced off one post rolled along the bar and bounced off the other post before dropping over the bar to give Ulster a thoroughly deserved win.

See full match report with pictures here.

Edinburgh 8                                                                                                            Leinster 31

The Celtic League nearly collapsed in acrimony on Friday night with a farcical game at Murryfield Stadium, Edinburgh. Leinster and Edinburgh wafted about in a practice match that could have sent the Celtic League trophy to Donnybrook.

This one sided match was everything that is wrong about the Celtic League and goes some way to explaining why the Celtic League does not have a big name sponsor on board. The Celtic League can surely look forward to another year of self serving fights between the Celtic Unions.

The Celtic League held it's head in despair as an unnamed spokesman stated, "Thank god that Leinster did not win the competition. This was a farcical match where Edinburgh rested 10 internationals for the sake of a nothing game against the Barbarians next week. No wonder they don't have any supporters if that is a measure of the respect they have for people who have attended week in week out. In my day you played to win every game."

Leinster won in Edinburgh for the first time in four years.

Our Only Crime is Loyalty.

It took less than 24 hours from Ulster clinching the Celtic League for hostilities to break out between two Ulster Supporters factions.

This fresh round of handbag waving is believed to have started when Mark McCall Out (MMO) leader and spokesman ballpark issued an antagonistic statement implying that he had really liked Mark all along and his previous pronouncements where he had called Mark, "Useless, pathetic, crap, Muckall", didn't really happen.

McCall loyalist, and founder of Ulster are Brill Brigade, (UBB) Dewi Barnes pounced upon this about face and proceeded to remind the MMO of their earlier enunciations issuing the following statement.

Throughout the day there has been a steady trickle of MMO hardliners to the UBB with ballpark buddy banditt quickly jumping ship along with Gary Grousebeater. However UBB are not going to rest on their laurels as it's only a matter of time before the MMO start their underhand maneuvers by making the European Cup the minimum expectation for next year.

The UBB calls on all true supporters to act responsibly during the forthcoming months!

Letters to the Editor.

Dear sirs?

In the interests of accuracy, I would point out that I was never a member of the MMO campaign. My use of the term "Muckall" was solely the result of an inate inability I have to spell names correctly. I'm sure Bellpork and Bumshanker will confirm my total support for our coach on all occasions.

Any comments that appeared anti-Muckall under my name were undoubtedly the work of that failed impressionist, Deed Poll.

I hope this clarifies the matter.

Yours etc

Gory Grossbiter.

PS . How does one nominate somebody for an Honour such as an MBE?

Dear sirs,

I refer to your quoting of Ballpark as having called Mark McCall, our esteemed Ulster coach,"Useless, pathetic, crap, Muckall" and would advise you that this is journalism worse than the even the patron saint of risible, rugby rantings, Mr. Neil Francis can deliver. Withdraw this scurrilous, illegitimate, pathetic and perfidious piece of pigeon shunte writing NOW!!!

Or face the consequences tomorrow!

Regards,

Tony the Tenner
ED: Hi Tony. We have removed the word as per your request and left the money the same place as last time.

Dear Ed,

I would like to point out that although Moypark has been critical of that $*#£*& Muckall in the past, he was never abusive of the dipstick like wot I was, and the name "Muckall" was not a BP invention either ffs.

Yours

Banditto

Sir,

In your picture section you claim to have pictures from the Ospreys match in Swansea last weekend. These are clearly forged, as Jamesie doesn't appear in a single one of them!

Attention to detail!

Name and address supplied
ED: Dear Name and address supplied, we managed to find the Jamester lurking in the background of one of our new pictures. Here he is just for you!

The FRU are pleased to announce the possible appointment of a new Ambassador for next year - step forward one Justin Fitzpatrick.

Cheeky cockney chappie Justin made a barn storming return to the Ulster team in the final match of the season against the Ospreys with his strong running and aggressive handoff's as he stormed up the wing.

What brought him to the attention of The FRU was that he was able to do all this with his pants round his ankles - a skill which is a prerequisite of all our ambassadorial appointments. Speaking of Justin's appointment FRU spokesman Tighthead prod stated,

"In my day the Front Row used to strip any tour virgins and jam them down in the space between the back seat and the window of the bus, preferably with their arse facing out towards the following traffic. I am pleased to see Justin, particularly in this professional age, incorporate this traditional FRU greeting in his all round play. It must have been something he learnt in France."

Subject to agreement the FRU hopes to organise a whole series of Ambassadorial events for Justin next season.

The FRU are pleased to award Ulster No. 8 Roger Wilson the title of "FRU Player of the Year".

Roger, the only everpresent on the team, came through an indifferent start to the season to be Ulsters "go to" player in the big games.

As things got tighter towards the end of the season it was Roger who was asked to make the hard yards and take the sting out of attacking play.

The FRU expect Roger to be one of Irelands surprise packages for next years World Cup.

INTISTT Standings.

Overall Champion.

Cap'n Grumpy - Division 1

Craftynick - Division 2.

King of the Celtic League

Cap'n Grumpy - Division 1

Paddy X - Division 2

Heineken Henrys

Samueltee - Division 1

Craftynick - Division 2

Full listing here.

Prizes will be awarded at first game of the new season.

Competition Corner.

There will be more player appearances through the summer with the next one being at the Fairhill Center in Ballymena on the 25th May at 6pm. Come along and meet some of the team!

The FRU will award a FRU T-Shirt hopefully signed by some of the ULSTER TEAM for the best photograph of you and player in the most amusing shirt/s.

Below are some of the entries to date.

Dear FRU Sir,

Please accept these two entries into your competition for Ulster Rugby players wearing fans’ merchandise. Both photos were taken “down under” last year before they signed for Ulster (I hope that doesn’t disqualify) when I am ashamed to say I was doing some recruitment work for a rather disreputable company.

One of them even got me to bring Mr Harrison’s hat and they never paid me what they owed (for the hat or the work) – indeed thanks to them I lost the shirt off my back! Perhaps winning your prize will go some way to restoring my fortunes.

Yours etc, etc,
R. Constable.

AS YOU CAN SEE THE ULSTER BOYS ARE UP FOR THIS SO GET ALONG WITH YOUR SHIRTS OR GET DOWN TO FRIDAYS MATCH.

SEND YOUR ENTRIES TO thefru@btinternet.com