Ulster’s Pride & Prejudice in an Abundance of Web Sites.
A Captain Grumpy Exclusive

SCOOP is proud to collaborate with the FRU and confirm what many punters had already suspected.
Our special reporter Darcy has learned that the pride that was once felt for Ulster’s MB has been replaced with prejudice against it.
It is alleged that many supporters refused to dance to the tune of a few senior posters, and those posters are now dancing to a new tune elsewhere.
The new pride is now to be found in web sites such as this one, SCOOP and especially that of the UAFC.

The FRU says - I still think there is something wrong with anybody that calls themselves after an Austin character!

Darcy leads an unsuspecting fan away from the dance.

Letters to the Editor.

Dear Sirs (a term to be used loosely)

I would first like to congratulate on your new site. It seems to have been well received. I have noticed collaboration with Scoop has been announced. I think it may be helpful therefore to understand this link up more closely.

In the past it was understood the FRU was pro the Maze stadium while the SCOOP was not. What is the current position now both have linked up?

Yours insincerely

Mr D Ball

Dear Mr Ball,

Thank you for your enquiry.

Regarding the Maze, the FRU stated in postings of over a year ago that they were going to turn the Maze Stadium into a theme park for front row forwards with a variety of specialised rides and activities. This park was to be called Mensa Park and this ambition is still part of our charter.

With regards to the siting of a "Sports Stadium" within the Mensa Park complex the FRU have no strong feelings either for or against such a venture but are currently conducting a feasibility study to determine if this will provide an adequate footfall on a week by week basis.

Thank you for your interest.

The FRU

Dears Sirs

Having visited your site may I compliment you on your publication. As a friend of corporate sponsors of some standing within rugby circles could I enquire as to whether your commercial department could consider some discussions of any renaming of Mensa Park to a more suitable and in your case financially rewarding name.

We have of course some funds still remaining from some breakfast events over the past summer and would be looking to offload our funds before the financial year.

CT

Dear Mr CT,

You can see the pictures of Mensa Park. Do you really think you can afford to be involved?

Thank you for your interest.

The FRU

Dear Mr CT,

On reflection and after reading reports concerning your upwardly mobile status this weekend I am pleased to inform you that we may be able to come to some arrangement.

Our groundsman has informed me that we have an unnamed building in one of the leafy avenues leading to Mensa Park.

I have included an artists impression (right) as to how your property could look.

It appears we also have a large Egyptian Stone available for corporate branding should you know anyone who may be interested.

Thank you for your interest,

The FRU

Sir

I apologise for the tardiness of my welcome, but business interests have
forced me to be absent for a couple of days from the various message boards
I frequently frequent .

First I would congratulate you on this site, and I look forward to
collaborating with you in it too. I hope to do sum (sic) of my best work
here.

Secondly, I would like to comment on your newest section, "letters to the
editor" and in particular, the ones sent to you by a Mr D. Ball. I am amazed
by the way in which you were able to put his letters together into coherent
words and sentences, as this is something he has consistently been unable to
do in the past. Can I just ask you if there are letters left over?

Yours, etc.

A. Hall Esq.

Dear Mr Hall,

Thank you for your best wishes.

I would like to assure you that all letters by Mr Dead Ball are unedited and are entirely reflective of the originals sent to these offices in the finest joined up print. We did remove some of the crayon smudges.

Thank you for your interest,

The FRU

Dear Sirs,

FRU bites off more than it can chew?

First it was ‘in association with Scoop’, then it was simply ‘Scoop’ and now it is ‘incorporating Scoop’!

Well, we at Scoop, while we are delighted to be associated with a very fine colour publication, are not prepared to be incorporated into anything!

In true Ulster speak, we say, “Never!”

We demand to be unincorporated forthwith or we will have no alternative but to do a Ballpark!

Signed,

TOK (Ed)

Dear Mr TOK,

The FRU unreservedly apologise for any misunderstanding. We have changed our masthead accordingly. (Please remember next time you start complaining that you are living in our "Magical Palace" entirely rent free!)

Thank you for your interest,

The FRU.

FRU Office at Mensa Park

SCOOP's Magical Palace at Mensa Park.

Holywood Mike arrives at Mensa Park.

Al K Hall Hall at Mensa Park

Kimbles Washroom at Mensa Park

Available for re-branding?

The FRU INTISTT Predictions League Perpetual Trophy.

The FRU are pleased to unveil their specially commissioned piece of syntheticresinous artware which they will be awarding at the end of the season to the leading scorer in the FRU INTISTT Overall League.

This fine piece of sculpture depicts the two great loves of a front row player, wearing gaudy shirts and drinking beer. If these pastimes can be pursued while actually playing rugby the front row member is said to have reached the zenith of their career.

The current holder THP stated earlier today, "I am pleased to have overseen the sculpting of this fine piece of syntheticresinous artware and I must admit it bears a striking resemblance to me in my heyday."

Ulster Double Acts

After their dramatic first half performance against Munster last night, Andrew Trimble and Tommy Bowe are quickly becoming one of Ulster Rugby's favourite double acts.

With their searing breaks and intelligent lines it won't be long before these blond bombers usurp Ulster Rugby's most famous double act, the legendary Dead Ball and Ball Park.

The message board legends have soared to prominence lately with the younger Dead Ball stalking Ball Park across several message boards. It all came to a head when, overcome with excitement, DB insulted BP with a PM. BP squealed to the Ulster Ed but so far has received no satisfactory response. The FRU awaits further squabbles with absolutely no interest.

Tommy and Andrew.


Dead Ball (left) takes on message board legend Ball Park.

Blind Faith

The FRU have been made aware of recent law changes. These law changes which were leaked to the FRU yesterday by famous Connaught referee Rowland Allen. These law changes are as follows:-

Law 123B Tackling Munster Outhalfs.
Any player tackling any Munster outhalf must, once the tackle is complete, set the outhalf down very gently without so much as disturbing a hair of his/her head.
Penalty.
The referee must issue a yellow card only after he has allowed the Munster second row to punch the offending player from behind.

Law 123C Tackling Ulster Outhalfs.
Any player tackling any Ulster outhalf must wait at least 3 seconds after the Ulster outhalf has passed the ball and then must ensure that the tacklers elbow makes contact with the unguarded outhalfs jaw.
Penalty.
The referee must immediately look away and do absolutely nothing.

Touch judge at yesterdays game. (This image has been digitally enhanced to protect the innocent.)

Contact the FRU to let us know how well Alain Rolland performed yesterday.

This Weeks Fixtures.

Fri Ulster v Saracens
Fri Castres v Sharks
Sat Dragons v Munster
Sat Calvisano v Blues
Sat Bath v Warriors
Sat ASM Clermont v Stade Francais
Sat Gunners v Toulouse
Sat Leinster v Bourgoin
Sun Scarlets v Wasps
Sun Tykes v Perpignan
Sun Tigers v Ospreys
Sun Biarritz v Benetton Treviso

It's back to the Heineken Cup this weekend.
Predictions to be in by 6:00pm Friday 9th December 2005.

Click here to enter.