Letters
to the Editor
Dear Editor
I would like to write and complain about the article
on YM as I find this offensive to both gay people (of which I am
not one), to members of that fine Christian organisation the YMCA
(of which I am not one either) and to others like myself.
I believe that the article and the photo caption should
be removed immediately before it causes any further offence. I will
have you know that I have many friends and that they too find it
offensive and that they will be writing in to back my complaint.
I will also have you know that I have vast experience at getting
things closed down simply by threatening to throw my toys out of
the pram and I will not hesitate to do so again.
Unless this article is removed by Monday morning I
will once again resign from something despite the fact that I am
running out of things to resign from.
Yours,
Gary
Dear sirs?
I would like to complain about your report on last Saturday's match
against the Dragons. Your comments on Mr Changlang, er... Mr Chenglung
er... Mr Chunglang, er....the referee, were most offensive to Scottish
twin sisters (of which I am not one). I would also point out that
your mention of rugby and the Dragons in the same paragraph was
equally offensive to anyone who likes the game of rugby (of which
I am not one) (SHOME MISTAKE SHURELY?).
Unless this article is removed immediately I will have no alternative
but to resign from the Society of Ironmongers Whose Name Begins
With R (I am an assosciate member) forthwith.
A copy of this e-mail has been sent to my solicitor, Dead Ball,
Touchdown and No 10.
Regards,
Gary/Gaz/URSC on Tour/uafc on Tour
- (not UAFC on Tour - that's some other idiot)
Dear Sir,
Re “Spot the Kimble Competition.
CT claims to have spotted kimble, but can we believe
him? Unless you withdraw this competition immediately, I will be
forced to resign from the URSC (Ulster Rugbyfan Spotters Club).
Yours,
Gary.
Dear Sir,
I am writing in response
to your exciting new initiative, “Spot the Kimble”,
but wish to point out that I will not be buying CT a pint as he
has clearly not complied fully with the competition rules, namely,
he has drawn a halo around me rather than placed an x over the spot.
I therefore request that he be disqualified from the competition.
Unfortunately this makes the whole thing null and void as your other
reader now knows the correct answer.
However, I am prepared to
offer a free pint to whoever is first to correctly identify any
of the following:
Mid Ulster Maestro, Banditt,
Capt Grumpy, Stephen Ferris’s Mum, Freddie Benson, or the
man who looks like Ballpark.
Yours etc,
The original kimble.
The editor replies: In fairness to
Mr CT he did not send in the picture below as this was carefully
recreated by our graphic arts department. However the original artwork
recieved from Mr CT did feature a rectangle over Mr Kimble and not
an X so the objection stands.
Dear Sir or Madam
I feel I must object to the latest "Spot the
?" competition. Kimble asks us to identify, "a man that
looks like Ballpark". This is clearly a trick question. If
he looks like Ballpark then he IS Ballpark. If he doesn't look like
Ballpark, then he must be somebody else and so could be absolutely
anybody in the photograph and therefore far too difficult to identify.
Does Kimble think I'm stupid and would fall for that one? I think
the U R S C should "clarify" the situation. Does
the secretary agree with the answer?
(But is the answer - thirteenth person from the left
in the seventh row up?)
Yours faithfully,
Dead Ball
Dear Sir or Madam
I feel I must object to the latest "Spot the
?" competition. Kimble asks us to identify, "a man that
looks like Ballpark". This is clearly a trick question. If
he looks like Ballpark then he IS Ballpark. If he doesn't look like
Ballpark, then he must be somebody else and so could be absolutely
anybody in the photograph and therefore far too difficult to identify.
Does Kimble think I'm stupid and would fall for that one? I think
the U R S C should "clarify" the situation. Does
the secretary agree with the answer?
(But is the answer - thirteenth person from the left
in the seventh row up?)
Yours faithfully,
Touch Down
Dear Sir or Madam
I feel I must object to the latest "Spot the
?" competition. Kimble asks us to identify, "a man that
looks like Ballpark". This is clearly a trick question. If
he looks like Ballpark then he IS Ballpark. If he doesn't look like
Ballpark, then he must be somebody else and so could be absolutely
anybody in the photograph and therefore far too difficult to identify.
Does Kimble think I'm stupid and would fall for that one? I think
the U R S C should "clarify" the situation. Does
the secretary agree with the answer?
(But is the answer - thirteenth person from the left
in the seventh row up?)
Yours faithfully,
No 10
Dear Sir or Madam
I feel I must object to the latest "Spot the
?" competition. Kimble asks us to identify, "a man that
looks like Ballpark". This is clearly a trick question. If
he looks like Ballpark then he IS Ballpark. If he doesn't look like
Ballpark, then he must be somebody else and so could be absolutely
anybody in the photograph and therefore far too difficult to identify.
Does Kimble think I'm stupid and would fall for that one? I think
the U R S C should "clarify" the situation. Does
the secretary agree with the answer?
(But is the answer - thirteenth person from the left
in the seventh row up?)
Yours faithfully,
Uncle Tom Cobbley
Dear Sir or Madam
I feel I must object to the latest "Spot the
?" competition. Kimble asks us to identify, "a man that
looks like Ballpark". This is clearly a trick question. If
he looks like Ballpark then he IS Ballpark. If he doesn't look like
Ballpark, then he must be somebody else and so could be absolutely
anybody in the photograph and therefore far too difficult to identify.
Does Kimble think I'm stupid and would fall for that one? I think
the U R S C should "clarify" the situation. Does
the secretary agree with the answer?
(But is the answer - thirteenth person from the left
in the seventh row up?)
Yours faithfully,
All
Dear Sirs
Kimble was spotty long before that photo was took
but KYJelly made things better for him as did the course of Penicilin.
Yours of Bogin Mind,
Bogboy
Sir,
I hope an appropriate fee has been negotiated with
Kimble for all the publicity he has received from the FRU in his
quest for Glory and High Office. (A bit like Saatchi & Saatchi
and Margaret Thatcher).
I would hope we will rake as much, if not more, than Gary will from
the Glasgow Bus Trip Scam – there’s a hundred born every
day!!
Yours etc,
THP
Dear sirs?
I feel I must complain in the strongest of terms about Mr. THP's
mention of the "Glasgow Bus Trip Scam". This was a totally
unnecessary and misleading comment.
There is absolutely no chance of the FRU earning as much money as
I did. Don't forget that I encouraged the dupes, er...sorry, fellow
supporters to pay by credit card. Over the last few weeks I have
received a constant stream of telephone calls from people giving
me their cc details. As a result, Crafty Nick paid for that big
farewell party on Saturday night, YM paid for my flight to the USA,
and CT for all my accommodation. I hope Ballpark understands when
there is an item on his next statement from a "Miss Behave",
but it really was worth the $500. My only problem came when I tried
to buy chips at that Las Vegas casino using a credit card belonging
to a D Ball. But I was able to use Kimble's to pay for the bail
bond.
Yours etc,
Gary/Gaz etc...etc.
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