Issue 14

24 March 2006

 

 

 
Sir David and the Knights of the Red Hand 24 V 17 The Dragons.

Saturday 25 March 2006.
Kick Off 15:30 Hill of the Raven.

Ulster should have put another twenty points on this side but were held back by the weather in the second half and another "look at me" display from "Mr Incompetent" Malcolm Shangalangadingdong.

Steiner got his jaw broke after being assulted by two Dragons thugs. Looks like he'll be out for 4-6 weeks.

Teams.

Ulster: B Cunningham; T Bowe, J Bell, P Steinmetz, A Maxwell; D Humphreys, I Boss; B Young, R Best, S Best; J Harrison, M McCullough; N Best, S Ferris, R Wilson.
Replacements: N Brady, J Fitzpatrick, R Caldwell, N McMillan, K Campbell, A Larkin, K Maggs.

Dragons: Aled Thomas; Nathan Brew, Hal Luscombe, Ceri Sweeney, Richard Fussell; Craig Warlow, Gareth Baber; Adam Black, Steve Jones, Rhys Thomas, Andrew Hall, Peter Sidoli, Jamie Ringer, Jason Forster (capt), Rhys Oakley.
Replacements: Andrew Brown, David Maddocks, Chris Anthony, Luke Charteris, Shawn Van Rensburg, Jon Bryant, James Ireland.

Referee: Malcolm Changleng (Scotland)

 

 

 

TOK Tables and TOK Stats now updated.

Click on picture or on links on menu bar.

Who Will Catch Grumpy?

Still plenty to play for in the INTISTT. Click table to see where you stand.

 

 

 
YOUNGMAN AND FRU BREAK NEW GROUND WITH £2 MILLION+ WEB SPONSORSHIP

Local entrepreneur and part time gay icon, Youngman, today became the first ever £2million plus sponsor of a website in Northern Ireland when he unveiled an unprecedented three-year deal with the FRU.

In a joint announcement with the FRU, Youngman said he had signed the ground-breaking deal to become sole sponsor of the FRU for “a substantial seven figure sum.”

Barry Apache, Head of Marketing at Youngman Promotions™ said: “The deal we’ve signed today is the highlight so far of a hugely successful relationship between Youngman Promotions™ and The FRU. This further three-year sponsorship builds on an association between us that began in 1997/98 ahead of The FRU's historic tours to Biarritz, Paris and Treviso.”

“Since we began our sponsorship of them nine years ago, the team has grown out of all recognition, from a site dominated by part-time reporters, the FRU has grown into the only website in Northern Ireland running a full-time professional team with a supporting structure underneath it to ensure the development of the site.”

Morris Motorcyclecop, Head of Finance said: "The synergy of this deal has got me really excited and we are sure the FRU will help in our relentless pursuit of the pink pound. I can't wait for the big party in Club 33 on Saturday night."

Billy Biker, the mustachioed Head of Recruitment said: " When I heard that Dewi Barnes shouting 'Chase me, chase me' at Cap'n Grumpy during their marathon training I just knew that they were the team for us. We are now looking forward to being the Chief Cheerleaders at their marathon event.

Dewi Barnes was unable to comment and was last seen boarding a plane at George Best Airport.

 

 

 

Caption Competition.

This weeks caption competition features The FRU's sole sponsor, Youngman, at a recent beach party. Just what is YM thinking and where is his other hand?

Send your entry HERE to win a free pint bought by Cap'n Grumpy.

Keep it clean and remember you may meet Youngman face to face one day.

 

SEND YOUR ENTRIES HERE

 

Current Entries

 

 

 

Letters to the Editor

 

Dear Editor

I would like to write and complain about the article on YM as I find this offensive to both gay people (of which I am not one), to members of that fine Christian organisation the YMCA (of which I am not one either) and to others like myself.

I believe that the article and the photo caption should be removed immediately before it causes any further offence. I will have you know that I have many friends and that they too find it offensive and that they will be writing in to back my complaint. I will also have you know that I have vast experience at getting things closed down simply by threatening to throw my toys out of the pram and I will not hesitate to do so again.

Unless this article is removed by Monday morning I will once again resign from something despite the fact that I am running out of things to resign from.

Yours,

Gary

 

Dear sirs?

I would like to complain about your report on last Saturday's match against the Dragons. Your comments on Mr Changlang, er... Mr Chenglung er... Mr Chunglang, er....the referee, were most offensive to Scottish twin sisters (of which I am not one). I would also point out that your mention of rugby and the Dragons in the same paragraph was equally offensive to anyone who likes the game of rugby (of which I am not one) (SHOME MISTAKE SHURELY?).

Unless this article is removed immediately I will have no alternative but to resign from the Society of Ironmongers Whose Name Begins With R (I am an assosciate member) forthwith.

A copy of this e-mail has been sent to my solicitor, Dead Ball, Touchdown and No 10.

Regards,

Gary/Gaz/URSC on Tour/uafc on Tour - (not UAFC on Tour - that's some other idiot)

 

Dear Sir,

Re “Spot the Kimble Competition.

CT claims to have spotted kimble, but can we believe him? Unless you withdraw this competition immediately, I will be forced to resign from the URSC (Ulster Rugbyfan Spotters Club).

Yours,

Gary.

 

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your exciting new initiative, “Spot the Kimble”, but wish to point out that I will not be buying CT a pint as he has clearly not complied fully with the competition rules, namely, he has drawn a halo around me rather than placed an x over the spot. I therefore request that he be disqualified from the competition. Unfortunately this makes the whole thing null and void as your other reader now knows the correct answer.

However, I am prepared to offer a free pint to whoever is first to correctly identify any of the following:

Mid Ulster Maestro, Banditt, Capt Grumpy, Stephen Ferris’s Mum, Freddie Benson, or the man who looks like Ballpark.

Yours etc,

The original kimble.

The editor replies: In fairness to Mr CT he did not send in the picture below as this was carefully recreated by our graphic arts department. However the original artwork recieved from Mr CT did feature a rectangle over Mr Kimble and not an X so the objection stands.

 

Dear Sir or Madam

I feel I must object to the latest "Spot the ?" competition. Kimble asks us to identify, "a man that looks like Ballpark". This is clearly a trick question. If he looks like Ballpark then he IS Ballpark. If he doesn't look like Ballpark, then he must be somebody else and so could be absolutely anybody in the photograph and therefore far too difficult to identify. Does Kimble think I'm stupid and would fall for that one? I think the U R S C should "clarify" the situation. Does the secretary agree with the answer?

(But is the answer - thirteenth person from the left in the seventh row up?)

Yours faithfully,

Dead Ball

 

Dear Sir or Madam

I feel I must object to the latest "Spot the ?" competition. Kimble asks us to identify, "a man that looks like Ballpark". This is clearly a trick question. If he looks like Ballpark then he IS Ballpark. If he doesn't look like Ballpark, then he must be somebody else and so could be absolutely anybody in the photograph and therefore far too difficult to identify. Does Kimble think I'm stupid and would fall for that one? I think the U R S C should "clarify" the situation. Does the secretary agree with the answer?

(But is the answer - thirteenth person from the left in the seventh row up?)

Yours faithfully,

Touch Down

 

Dear Sir or Madam

I feel I must object to the latest "Spot the ?" competition. Kimble asks us to identify, "a man that looks like Ballpark". This is clearly a trick question. If he looks like Ballpark then he IS Ballpark. If he doesn't look like Ballpark, then he must be somebody else and so could be absolutely anybody in the photograph and therefore far too difficult to identify. Does Kimble think I'm stupid and would fall for that one? I think the U R S C should "clarify" the situation. Does the secretary agree with the answer?

(But is the answer - thirteenth person from the left in the seventh row up?)

Yours faithfully,

No 10

 

Dear Sir or Madam

I feel I must object to the latest "Spot the ?" competition. Kimble asks us to identify, "a man that looks like Ballpark". This is clearly a trick question. If he looks like Ballpark then he IS Ballpark. If he doesn't look like Ballpark, then he must be somebody else and so could be absolutely anybody in the photograph and therefore far too difficult to identify. Does Kimble think I'm stupid and would fall for that one? I think the U R S C should "clarify" the situation. Does the secretary agree with the answer?

(But is the answer - thirteenth person from the left in the seventh row up?)

Yours faithfully,

Uncle Tom Cobbley

 

Dear Sir or Madam

I feel I must object to the latest "Spot the ?" competition. Kimble asks us to identify, "a man that looks like Ballpark". This is clearly a trick question. If he looks like Ballpark then he IS Ballpark. If he doesn't look like Ballpark, then he must be somebody else and so could be absolutely anybody in the photograph and therefore far too difficult to identify. Does Kimble think I'm stupid and would fall for that one? I think the U R S C should "clarify" the situation. Does the secretary agree with the answer?

(But is the answer - thirteenth person from the left in the seventh row up?)

Yours faithfully,

All

 

Dear Sirs

Kimble was spotty long before that photo was took but KYJelly made things better for him as did the course of Penicilin.

Yours of Bogin Mind,

Bogboy

 

Sir,

I hope an appropriate fee has been negotiated with Kimble for all the publicity he has received from the FRU in his quest for Glory and High Office. (A bit like Saatchi & Saatchi and Margaret Thatcher).

I would hope we will rake as much, if not more, than Gary will from the Glasgow Bus Trip Scam – there’s a hundred born every day!!

Yours etc,

THP

 

Dear sirs?

I feel I must complain in the strongest of terms about Mr. THP's mention of the "Glasgow Bus Trip Scam". This was a totally unnecessary and misleading comment.

There is absolutely no chance of the FRU earning as much money as I did. Don't forget that I encouraged the dupes, er...sorry, fellow supporters to pay by credit card. Over the last few weeks I have received a constant stream of telephone calls from people giving me their cc details. As a result, Crafty Nick paid for that big farewell party on Saturday night, YM paid for my flight to the USA, and CT for all my accommodation. I hope Ballpark understands when there is an item on his next statement from a "Miss Behave", but it really was worth the $500. My only problem came when I tried to buy chips at that Las Vegas casino using a credit card belonging to a D Ball. But I was able to use Kimble's to pay for the bail bond.

Yours etc,

Gary/Gaz etc...etc.

 

 

Spot the Kimble.

Kimble's on the run again and the two Officers of the PSNI at the back of the picture are looking for him. The first person to e-mail this picture here with a large X over Kimble will get a free pint at the next home game (bought by Mr Original himself).

Kimble has been spotted by Cockatrice. So that's a pint for CT then Kimmi!

 
     
   
       
   

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