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Issue 8	5 February 2006

January Manageress of the Month. Some high scores last month, with PWR, tok & Grumps scoring 30 points, Tighty (somehow) scraped 31 and the old reprobate Eastside Sammy, care of his fluky bonus points managed a very good 33. The MotM for January, however, in a league of her own (well, Division 2 anyway), is the Crafty Ladyeeee from the Maiden City with a whopping tally of 37 points. I'd wager that Grumpy and the rest of the pack are relieved she only entered the league half-way through, or she'd have it won by now. On the other hand, will the accolade go to her head and cause the same loss of form seen in previous MotM's? (Oh, and before he starts writing letters to the FRU Committee, DB was considered for the award, but as he only scored 24 points - the lowest of those who entered every week, it somehow didn't seem appropriate). Next award at the end of March when the finishing straight will be drawing nigh! Tally-HO! *Albert*	The georgeous craftynick getting one from Tommy. (MotM award that is.)

COMPETITION The FRU in association with SCOOP in association with the FRU in association with the IRB have launched a competition to discover the future voice of rugby. Entrants should telephone a 30 second report on a match of their choice, or send a MP3 file of such a report. For full details see the link above. However we would advise would-be hacks that the terms of the competition must be strictly adhered too. We have received some early entries, and as a warning to others we publish a few selected cautionary notes of what to avoid in preparing your report. Ballpark – Disqualified – couldn’t keep it to 30 seconds. First 30 seconds spent nit-picking with team selection and the coach. Hadn’t even got round to mentioning the opponents, never mind the match during the first 30 seconds Holywood Mike – Disqualified – Couldn’t keep it to 30 seconds. Spent first 30 MINUTES lamenting the lack of cheerleaders. Didn’t even get round to mentioning the teams, let alone the match, at all. Did do a splendid review of the toilet facilities at the train stations on route to the match though. Dead Ball – Disqualified – Didn't understand “MP3 file”, sent a PM instead. Allegedly used inappropriate language. THP – Not Considered – Did not give a balanced report. Regularly mentioned the props & hooker, occasionally the other forwards – no mention whatsoever of backs. Jamesie – Disqualified – Didn’t mention any of the players, but commented at length on their wives and girlfriends. Kenboss - Disqualified – No mention of match statistics, but gave an interesting, if somewhat skewed opinion of the influence of international politics in rugby. Crafty Nick – Disqualified – Player stats mentioned WHOLLY inappropriate to the intended audience! Colinh – Disqualified – JPEGS do NOT play on MP3 player. The original kimble – Disqualified – Tried to be concise. Good use of humour and “word-play”, but just kept runnin’ on and on ….. and on ….. and on! Finally – A note for someone called “Stanley” who attempted to enter. – It’s no good phoning in and claiming you “have a tape”, you have to actually send it (as an MP3 file)!

The FRU Presents.
The FRU are proud to announce their diversion into moving pictures. Our inaugural show, loosely based on two American hit series, follows the adventures of four frustrated thirtysomethings as the work their way through every available member of the opposite sex that happens to venture onto the message board. Laugh at sad Jamesie as he tries it on with Crafty, Chick and Goodaine all on the same night. Cry with Crafty as she tries for a Cunningham but has to settle for a Kimble and a Grumpy. Go "euch" with Chick as Dead Ball makes a move. Now showing almost every night on the Ulster Message Board just after 8:00pm once the bottles of wine start to kick in.

Irelands Call. The FRU are the first to announce Mark McCall as Irelands new Manager. The evidence that, even now, the Ireland strings are being pulled by McCall is overwhelming after today's game against Italy. Not only did Ireland play like Ulster by repeatedly running straight at their Italian counterparts but they also gave away a token "easy try" and failed to score two perfectly good tries. The first try they failed to score came when hooker Flannery (a poor stand in for Rory Best) knocked the ball on several times in the in goal area before finally touching it down - a typical Ulster move. The second try they failed to score came from yet another classic Ulster move where Tommy Bowe (standing in for Andrew Trimble) only pretended to touch down but snatched the ball away at the last moment in an attempt to make the referee look silly. (The referee failed to see Tommy laughing at him after he awarded the try as he was admiring his manly pose on the big screen.) Ireland played so much like Ulster that current manager ~~McCall~~ O'Sullivan decided not to bring on any more Ulster players. Today's score. Ireland 12 Italy 16.	Eddie O'Sullivan at the post match press conference. Of course I scored!

One of Our Threads is Missing? The FRU are sad to announce the sorry state of the UAFC message board. Only this week online censor Fermain Whitehouse had to step in and remove one of the more ribald threads as it was "getting out of hand". This thread originally started by "Leinster Lovely", ckav quickly degenerated into a thread for message board "pervy geek's" who have not actually talked to a real woman in years. (No guys, Laura Croft is not real!) Overwhelmed by the pictures of the fragrant ckav the Ulster boys quickly lost control with a series of naughty suggestions and even naughtier pictures culminating in a shocking picture produced by porn king the self named "Rooster". At this point the servers around D4 crashed and the thread had to be removed to save the Irish World Wide Web.
Stand Up for the Ulstermen. The scene of all perversions.

Letters to the Editor. Dear Sir, Why do most of your photographs feature *fat men in rugby jerseys drinking beer? Is this not setting a bad example for younger, impressionable fans whose single parent Mum’s are struggling to help their children overcome the habit of bed wetting and to protect them from all the other wickedness that so besets us? Besides, on your recent scenic tour of Northern Italy* could you not have snapped the odd Alp or two? Yours in outrage, Rev I P Nightly Dear Ed, I recently TWICE complimented the FRU's rag on the UAFC forum and would like to make it clear that I do not want to appear ingratiating towards your splendid and exciting News Letter and especially your Mr. Barnes. I am pleased to see that this has not been the case as I would be bereft of enjoyment if I could not cross plastic swords with the eponymous Barnes. Yours grovelingly, BP (Don't call me Shirley!) Dear sirs, It was fermain who produced the picture of ckav’s g string, I replaced it with BR’s fleg, after she complained, I may now have to call on Shotgun, Robber and Bandit’s chief legal eagle Jamesie, if he can put those women down for a few minutes to sort you out again. Rooster (Hmm? We notice you haven't denied being a porn king!)

The World According to Dead Ball! Dead Ball Has a Go! Well it seems good news just keeps on coming. Not only does it look like the Maze National Stadium is going ahead, it would appear other sporting bodies are applying in their droves. The first of the alternative sports to announce their involvement this week was the National Crowded Swimming Club who said the bigger than envisaged stadium would suit their needs down to the ground. It recently held this world breaking event and said that due to the outstanding accessibility the Maze was their preferred venue for their next world record attempt.
We have also just received word that Youngman and Cockatrice’s corporate events company has not been delivering all that they promised. It seems at a recent venue that all was going well until the food was served. When one customer mentioned his annoyance at the fact that hot dogs where not supposed to be on the menu things got a little ugly. The customer has apparently issued legal proceedings, so you have all been warned.
With the Stanley Gate fiasco still raging (amongst others) the URSC Committee are overjoyed at receiving some long overdue advice from their PR consultant.
With the current humiliation at URSC headquarters, plans are afoot for an AGM voting campaign to begin. The first to enter the race is our beloved Kimble. He has shown that he is the right choice for the future URSC Committee’s top post of Big Chief Constipated!
It seems he has bagged a well accomplished poster to be his campaign manager. We can reveal the one and only ballpark has stepped up to the plate much to the displeasure of Cap'n Grumpy who apparently is now thinking of standing himself for the Chairman post himself. Ballpark (right) apparently advised Kimble "sex sells" and went on to illustrate what exactly he meant. It now seems like it could end up a one horse race since it seems no one else could be bothered running.
No public statement has been forthcoming so far from the URSC, much to the disappointment of the media covering the story. Since no statement has been forthcoming we are currently tracking down the gentleman in question and have tracked him down to his home on the Ards Peninsula. He has declined to talk to our reporter but we at the FRU are now ready to out Stanley and can supply the following photo. He is the one on the left of the picture.



		It's still Six Nations time so no INTISTT fixtures. However just incase anyone else wants to run a Six Nations League the upcoming fixtures are: - Saturday, 11 February 2006 France v Ireland, 13:30 Italy v England, 16:00 Sunday, 12 February 2006 Wales v Scotland, 15:00 Does Anyone Know These People? Still no-one has owned up to sending this picture. Are you surprised? Note the new link to our friend colinh's new site. Click on the photographer below and check out his pics.